Here I am, again.

I don't know where to begin when I'm shoved through an end.
I'm not sure what to say when you have already spoken.
It hurts to breath, it hurts to swallow; I'm falling behind.
Catch me up to where you're going; you're just killing time.
Closer..
But did you ever know how far I would have gone for you?
Do you realise I'm at home alone, crying, because I miss you?
You're further away than I ever thought you could be.
You're further away...
But still I feel, you belong to me.

Everyone was right.

As if you didn't all expect it.

I couldn't take it anymore so I finally confronted Anthony and I knew, I just knew. He said he didn't want to lead me on and he didn't think he was. How fucking nieve! He said it's not me, it's him. He needs "time", he doesn't know what he thinks or feels.

Well what is hopeful is the fact that I've finally had enough. I've tried and failed succesfully, I tried because I thought he was worth it... but I see he is not, I will do better and I deserve better. Afterall, this has happened to me three or four times now. I'm ready to move past this now.

Out of sight, out of mind. A struggle I am aware of, yet I think somehow I am capable of.

As far as how I feel now, I'm not surprised but I am very disappointed.

The Friend Zone

Anthony and I have been hanging out a fair bit the last couple of weeks. To the point where it's surprising me and making me think there could be something more if I be chill, take our friendship slowly and see where it goes. However, now it's gotten to that point where we hang out and I hate when he leaves, I miss him and I'm already planning the next thing we can do together. While we hang out I want to cuddle and kiss him and have him sleepover and spoon me. At the moment, we have a 'distant closeness'. We sleep together, but we don't kiss. And I know he's not using me, he wouldn't. He gives me a cuddle whenever we say goodbye. Whenever I ask to hang out he's keen. But still I can't decipher what he's feeling about the situation. I want to take things slowly, see if naturally we can fit back together but the closer we get the more I miss what we had. I start to get stupid and lovesick, I think irrationally. I want to talk to him everyday and sometimes it takes so much strength to hold myself back. My head knows what I should do but my heart is desperate and yearning for something else. When I want something I usually get it, this is really rediculous. Is he worth it? I don't know. From past experiences, no. But there is something about him I can't quite figure out and I want to. I'm pathetic. Any girl would flick him off, not talk to him for a couple of months and any bet he'd come crawling. Instead I'm crawling? When is it acceptable for a woman to work on getting her man back?
Ultimately I feel stupid and I'm glad I have a non judgemental place to vent.
I want him to tell me he loves me, like he used to and I would never take it for granted again.

Answers.

I need an outlet, afterall isn't this the point of having my own blog?

I don't know where to start. I've walked around in a haze all day, wondering, analysing, concerning and it has not only enlarged my mind to the point where I'm ready to have an emotional breakdown, but I am exhausted and still with no answers.

Tell me why Anthony and I have been broken up for three months now and not once has he told me he's missed me? Tell me why he acts like me being with someone else doesn't bother him but tells his sister he's really upset I've moved on? Tell me why when I get that guy out of my life, does he go back to barely talking to me? And please, tell me why we hung out Friday night and had an amazing time and we're not getting any closer to being back together?

I thought I was moving on, I thought I had something good going with Louis. But Anthony got in the way and tricked me back into his life and tricked me back into thinking there was a future between us. He fucks with my head and I can't handle it. Not only can I not handle my confusion as to how I feel about Anthony, but I dream about Luke five nights out of seven and it plays with my emotions. Night time, I am back with the person I believed was my soul mate. A person who has found his soul mate, whom he's having a baby with. I'm not in grade eight anymore, relationships don't spring back to life after you've made them jealous and ignored them for a couple of months. This is the real word, this is life, this is it, grown up, old, moving on, realistic relationships that end and stay that way.

How can Anthony act like he doesn't care, like he doesn't see how much he can hurt me? I ended things with Louis because it upset him. The last thing I ever want to do is upset him and all he has ever seemed to do is upset me, time after time. And people fucking tell me and predict it and I defend him and stick up for him. When will I learn! When will I not let him get the best of me, every time. This is why I didn't want something with Louis, so I wouldn't end up here down the track writing a blog about Louis instead of Anthony.

Heartbreak is stupid. Love is void.
I don't deserve it, or I'm not equipped to keep something I cherish. I've lost every single person that I've cared for intimately. I don't know where they go, but they're not here with me. They're in a cemetery of past prospects. The fleeting lovers gone by.

Someone save me from being this pathetic. I had it all worked out, I was strong, independent and loathing love and couples and anything as icky. I was confident in myself and happy for who I was. Now I just wonder what it is that people run away from? Am I so disfigured that people just cannot stand to love me unconditionally forever?

All I ask, is for answers.

So, it's been a week since Louie asked me if we were a thing. Throughout the past week I've had a "commitment" freakout. I don't want a boyfriend or a relationship and everything Louis has been doing lately has been pissing me off completely. For example; Wednesday night I slept at his house, we went to bed at 11. We said goodnight and did the whole hug and kiss thing then when I rolled over ready to fall into a lovely deep sleep, he spoons me and tries to have sex with me. I push his hands away but he still pursues me by hugging and kissing and basically SMOTHERING the fuck out of me! I was so annoyed. I closed my eyes, thought of someone else and fell asleep. Next thing I know I'm woken up to him caressing me and holding me, kissing me, STILL. I was so fucking mad! I'm like, "what's the time!?" He tells me it's 12:30... so he still hadn't gone to sleep and was still trying to have sex with me, I angrily told him to go to sleep and literally elbowed him to the other side of the bed. He FINALLY got the hint. So that was the first annoying thing.

So for the weekend I decided to rebel against commitment and make all my plans, NOT involving him. Friday night Anthony and I took a drive to Cairns and had dinner. We then walked the marina and esplanade talking all night, cracking smart ass jokes, flirting. It was strange but I found it somewhat arrousing. I would of loved to have gotten a hotel room out and just banged him for hours and woke up feeling funny. How time changes everything!

Saturday I hung out with Lisa. Then I was home by myself last night and decided I'd see Louis. As soon as he got over everything he did pissed me off. I'm a horrible person, I couldn't keep pretending that I felt the same as him and we were on the same page. So I took him for a drive and told him everything. I feel awful, but I couldn't lead him on anymore. I don't know what we are now but hopefully it's not on the path to marriage and kids.

Now I all I want to do, is live.

I found some stuff I'd written so I'm going to post them and leave my weird love triangle for now. Enjoy...



~~~
I thought I’d celebrate today
Relish the cold and eagerly tip my hat to the sky
See it’s all in shades of grey
I never felt it was easier in black and white
The path that I’m aware of, is mine
But how I got here and where I’m going is
On the most part, a withering divide
Won’t someone just show me how

There is a bench in your honour
Around the bend, not far from here
Shall I show you, could you make it
I know it’s cold but it’s the last day of the year
~~~

Given the years and days it’s been since I saw you last, I can’t believe where we’ve been, where we’re going and how things have changed so fast. I must admit if you had told me then, I wouldn’t have believed and come to terms with the way it’s all happened. But life has its moments, whether they’re up or down, despite the one thing I was sure of; after all this time, had kept my feet to the ground. Something inside me changed when you were brought in to my life, without even knowing if it was for good, bad, wrong or right. I could never predict what would become of us, I let my life happen and to God I would trust. “Things happen for a reason” something inside me yelled and eventually my faith was answered and in your arms I was held. Nothing could prepare me to fall for you like that, even after all this time I still cry when I’m looking back.

So say this time, this day, you won’t forget it.
I’ve been there and back and nothing can compare.
After all these years, I’m still your lady.
Never forget, never forget it.

There are often struggles that every man or women will face; it’s how you go about your troubles that ideally will lead you to a stronger place. I don’t regret what I’ve done and the things that I have said, I’ve let the past be the past and try to move forward instead. It’s not to say you still don’t have a place in my heart, because personally, internally, we will never be apart. I know we can’t see each other or even be friends, but every night I go to sleep, I dream we are the way we always were and somehow it works for me just to pretend. Because unfortunately dreaming every night is all I can do, like Aviation said, you were my everything and I really miss you.

Well hey there.

Hi!

Once again, it's been a while. I honestly get sick of saying that, but it's always a good indication of how my life is going the less I write in here! I've been happily letting my life do exactly that, just happen. I'm appreciating what is infront of me and the little quirks that come along to make up my charming little life.

In doing so, I have found some weird "inner peace" with just being me. I am enjoying small things like the drive home from work and how accomplished I feel and stoked that I've got all night to do nothing. Whilst I've been focusing on myself and relaxing, Louis has slowly worked his way in to my life and my feelings toward Anthony have slowly walked out of my life. I can successfully say I'm over Anthony and that we are currently "friends". Not your every day best buds that hang out, but an odd text message and a chat if we see each other is the kinda thing we're going for. So far so good.

As for Louie...
Well the past week we have gone from friends to something boderlining a couple. We have been hanging out for a couple of months now and I'd get a crush on him, then let it go, then get it again and it felt like he was never going to make a move... then when he finally did kiss me, it's like all rules were broken and we got really close, really fast. I've never gotten this comfortable with someone so quickly. However, on the contrary, I am not planning to let this get serious at all. By no means do I want another serious relationship, or bluntly, another Anthony. But! We did go away for the weekend and had an amazing time which left Louis asking me last night, "so are we a thing?". Without thinking I said, "I guess so!". I'm still not quite sure what it means, but I'm hoping it's not a relationship or "boyfriend/girlfriend", instead just "we're together"?

Tonight Anthony asked if we were something, I told him the truth. He seemed alright. Who knows what he really thinks. I feel guilty sort of, but life happens and I can't stop someone from coming in to my life and making me feel a certain way. I did all I could for Anthony. Throughout my decision process I have kept his feelings in mind... weighed out pros and cons and how he would feel etc. Not necessary considering what he's put me through, but that's just the sort of person I am. At the end of the day I'd be shattered if he had another girlfriend by now, but I guess if I was the one that ended it with him I wouldn't have that right- would I?

Louie is lovely. I don't want to get attached considering I may move in a year back down south and I still believe Luke is the one for me so in no way am I thinking long term. Keep it light and breezy baby!

I'm very happy anyway, and that's the main thing isn't it? Just living each day as it comes, enjoying everything about it. I'd really love to get fit now that everything else is falling in to place. I've set my alarm for 6:30 so hopefully I can motivate myself to get out of bed and haul my ass to the gym.

::Sigh:: I love these moments in life where everything is ok.

Me.

I cannot believe it's been 20 days since I last wrote.

17 days ago, Anthony stopped talking to me. It was possibly the best decision he's ever made. 3 days ago we spoke again. I can't be bothered to dive in to the particulars, (yes, can you believe it) but these last couple of weeks have been almost ground breaking to the person I am. I don't know whether watching every season of Sex and the City should be credited for my shift in attitude, or finally, I'm learning a thing or two about relationships and who I am as a person.

For once in my life I am enjoying my own company. I'm not out scrounging for a guy to hang off to feed my dependence for people, to pass the time while I ponder over Anthony and our failed relationship. I'm grieving in a healthy way, missing him indefinitely but pushing forward and accepting I'm now alone. Not everything I do is halved, my thoughts and decisions don't have to be shared with someone else... here I am, just me. This isn't just wonderful because I'm learning to get over a relationship I had last year, but I'm learning that I don't for the life of me, need a man to complete me. If anyone knew me well enough, they would know for most days out of the last eight years I have spent being someone's girlfriend rather than being single. I'm that girl that's always in a relationship, or prospecting a future relationship.

This weekend I spent by myself, enjoying my own company. I'm not a loner and just don't have friends, Louis was asking me every day if we could catch up; I was just simply content with chilling by myself.

I think it also has a lot to do with my new job. I'm a boss, a leader, there is a certain appeal to that. It has given me a lot of confidence and validation that I am in fact a smart and a talented business woman. Especially after my first month of being in control and getting excellent results! I think I've proved a lot of people wrong, possibly even myself? It is a role that is once in a lifetime for me. I'm also becoming very money conscious and learning to control my finances. I could see myself purchasing a home, or investment property sooner than I had ever imagined. My loan and credit card debt is diminishing week by week and the stress of money is slowly lifting off my shoulders.

For once in my life, I feel very confident in who I am and what I'm doing. I have God to thank for being so blessed. I am a very lucky individual. I'm not rich or famous, but I'm healthy, happy and living a life not many people have the opportunity to live. For someone who has suffered depression, low self esteem and the fear of being useless all my life, this is a major turning point in my journey.

It's funny, my horoscope told me this year would be the year I've been waiting for all my life. The one where it finally comes together and I see how everything in the past has gotten me to where I am. Isn't that amazing?

I still believe in love, but I am prolonging the search because I know, out there, someone, somewhere is waiting for me and I will most definitely bump in to them when the time is right. I have confidence in true love. For some funny reason, I still believe whole heartedly that I will end up with Luke. I can't wait to look back on this journal in a few years and see where I've come and where I am.

In five years, I see myself managing Dotti somewhere busy, living with Luke in a house we bought together and living happily ever after.