The day after tomorrow.

So.

I can't even begin to explain the day I've had. All I know is, I'm left scarred.

Basically, I live with my parents and work with my parents. Today we had a fight that snowballed into a violent attack. I've had enough. I am twenty-one years old now, I have had enough of being punished, controlled and most importantly "smacked" just like a little kid.

I moved out. Mum asked for my set of keys to the house and the office. Anthony suggested moving my stuff into his and I guess at the time it seemed like his house would be a sanctuary of freedom and love. He's away for the weekend so he's had to do all of his supporting by correspondence and somehow, things have also turned a little sour with us too. Now I'm sitting at his, remembering how much I hate it here. His house is inside a shed. It's hard to explain but it has walls, rooms, everything but it's just built inside a shed that's at the top of his father's property. He lives on a hill on what I would consider a small "mountain". There are insects, toads, snakes, cassowarys- everything here I hate. And just as I immediately thought when walking into his room, "I bet there is a big spider in here," sure enough I turn around and see a massive spider next to me. So big I don't want to get too close to kill it with my thong. It crawled up behind the curtain with three sets of thongs landed strategically on the window sill. Shut up. I can't help it, I hate them. So I have to be here, uncomfortable to take a shower or go to bed because the spider is down that end of the house. Also, Anthony is happily out and about on the town tonight having a great old time. Good on him. His sister is moving to London on Tuesday so I wanted him to have a good weekend with her, but I can't help resent him for being so far away when I'm on the verge of doing something "stupid".

Despite the horrible day, I'm more worried about me and Anthony's relationship going down the drain because we're sort of forced to take our relationship to the next step. I've wanted to live with him for so long, but the more I thought about it and realised we have forever to do these things, I started appreciating the time I had away from him. I'm really scared I'm not ready to live with him but I don't have any other options. I have no money, no job and nowhere else to live. I don't want to lose the last thing I have left that means so much to me.

I won't take this negatively. This is just the chance to re-evaluate what I want to do and where I want to go. I still have my hip hop teaching, and I go back the day after tomorrow. I really don't feel like doing it anymore. I just don't think I have that dancing spark in me anymore. I'm afraid that chapter is closed in my life, I just don't want to let the teacher or the kids down. I think this is a decision I'll make tomorrow when I'm feeling better. I'm going to hop into bed, read my book and try and get a good sleep. I want to forget today.

Jobless, homeless, helpless
I resent you and hate the other
I'm so alone here
With no boyfriend, sister, father, mother.
To be found strewn with cobwebs
Because I waited to be happy
Saddened and unlikely for a full recovery.
Am I a dissapointing shadow
To the cast of the statue before me?
I've lowered my head for so long
My neck won't willingly
Raise above emotions, memories or pain
You never truely stop abusing until
You've been branded unstable; insane.

Dating your father.

I don't understand how some girls can date controlling men? Men? Excuse me, boys! Boys that control their girlfriends to a point where they're actually not "allowed" to do things just screams, INSECURITIES to me.

A good relationship is built on love, trust, honesty, loyalty and communication. If your man starts telling you what you can and can't wear, or where you're allowed to go; girl, your man doesn't trust you. And when they say, "Baby, I trust you, I just don't trust other people"; honey, your man doesn't trust you. And when you can't stand up and tell him that he's treating you like your father would, your lack of communication and honesty is out the window. So what do you have? One third of what a good relationship should be.

I have/had a friend here in Innisfail who fits this bill exactly and is the reason behind this blog today. When I first met her I got the impression she was fun, outgoing, confident and keen to party. She had only been with her man for three months at this stage and seeing as he was in America for a month, I guess she was going a bit buckwild. When her man returns home I suddenly start to see the changes within her. Deep changes. Her emails to me everyday is one complaint after another about her relationship. She is starting to wear more conservative clothes out, then all of a sudden she is hardly ever out. Don't even bother to ask her out for a girls night because nine times out of ten her man won't "let" her go! So he compromises like any good boyfriend should and shadows her while she's out with the ladies, or picks her up early and makes her go home. Compromise? Wrong! Your man doesn't trust you. Did you hear me? YOUR MAN DOESN'T TRUST YOU.

Week in, week out I see this girl getting taken control of and she does absolutely nothing about it. Shrugs it off as, "he's protective because he loves me so much." No! Love isn't binding. Love isn't telling you what to do or where to go or who to see. Love is bringing the best out in you! And honey, since I met her, it's been one downward spiral.

I know not to get involved in my friend's relationships and eventually when she came looking for advice I just gave up. At the end of the day, I can only support her as a friend and hope to God one day she wakes up to herself. Truelly, there is nothing you can say to a woman when she is in love with a controlling partner. They blame themselves, "Oh I don't put 100% in, I just focus on the bad- it doesn't help". Most of the time I know she's depressed and yet she stays with him. Her other friends say nothing but I know they don't like him, they've told me.

In this day and age how women can not stand up for themselves in a relationship just boggles my mind. I admit, I've been there. I've been with guys that emotionally abused me and you stick around because you're made to feel it's your fault. That was when I was a teenager, by now let me tell you something; I KNOW how I want to be treated, what I deserve and what I WILL get from my partner. I'll be damned if I let myself be treated any different!

You should never be with someone if you can't do what you were doing before you got in the relationship. I understand your man suddenly becomes your number one priority cause "o0o it's love and it's gonna last forever", but you should never leave your friends and interests behind! Boyfriends come and go ladies, but friends and family are forever. Who is she gonna run to when her relationship finally ends? Does she have anyone after pushing everyone away cause her boyfriend won't let her see anyone?

I got sick of asking her to do things with me of a weekend, it was just a no go and if I did want to see her, her boyfriend would have to accompany us- YAY. I'm not even mentioning the fact that he isn't the best catch either, he's probably ten ranks below her level but hey, you gotta learn to get along with your best friend's boyfriend. You smile and knod and go "Yeah he's nice". Ha!

Friendship isn't a one way street for me. No sir, nuh uh! Friends should be there for you. I can count numerous times I've had fights with my boyfriend on a weekend and instead of shrugging it off and going out with my girl, I have to stay at home and sulk because she's too busy with her boyfriend. Busy laying around at home doing nothing with him. I just got so fed up with it, knowing she is in an unhealthy relationship with a LOSER and not being able to take ONE night away from him to do something with me. I had to be honest and ask her what the point was to our friendship? Of course whenever she asks to do something with me, I don't run to Anthony and ask him for permission like a timid eleven year old kid asking their strict father to go to the movies on a Friday night. NO! I say "Yeah sounds fun, I'll be there!" And then I tell Anthony I've got plans.

What is also pathetic is how immature she's acting now. I told her politely that I didn't want to upset her or offend her but the friendship just wasn't meeting my expectations. Do you think she tries to fix anything? Compromises with me to hang SOMETIMES? She just lets herself lose me as a pal because she has no control, she couldn't save our friendship even if she wanted to- she doesn't have that choice. I know she could never go back to her boyfriend and say, "I've lost a best friend because you're too controlling of me." AS IF. I don't have any hard feelings against her, I really don't. But she's acting so fucking immature about it. She came over in a huff this morning and left a phone I gave her (nice friend eh?) and a top at my door. No knock, no hi, no good morning. RUDE. I told her she was being an attention seeker and she's pathetic. Because she really is. She's got, "having a good day" written on her Facebook. LAME! It's so obvious when people know how shit their situation is but just over dramatise everything to think they're life is so great. I know she's upset inside. I was a really good friend to her, we had fun. I supported her, gave her endless advice, tried and tried my hardest to like her boyfriend, got used to her "situation". But it just takes the cake when I ask her to hang out and she says, "Yeah it should be fine, I don't see why not" and comes back to me the next day telling me, "Apparently I ruined his night asking because I should already know the answer." SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS MADNESS.

My Mum scoffed and laughed and asked me is that what he seriously said.
I know people, she is dillusional and love can make you blind. But somewhere, somehow, I think she actually likes the way he is because she is an attention seeker? I've seen this before, a friend from down south is exactly the same. Acts like being controlled is hard but advertises it to everyone as if it's cool and it shows how much her boyfriend "loves" her.

I am so frustrated at how shit people can be sometimes. Seriously.

WAKE UP TO YOURSELF LADIES.

Love, nothing but sweet love.

It's been nine months since Anthony and I first met on the steps of my new unfamiliar house, in a new unfamiliar town, in a street so coincidently named Anthony Street.

From the moment I found Anthony on Myspace, I had to hold myself back and think for a moment before messaging him; "If I message him, he could be the one I've been looking for? Do I want this? Am I ready?" I had thought this with sincerity, I really truely believed if I messaged him then and there, something amazing was about to begin, something that could last forever.

My heart and stomach were full of flutters before I had even met him. I told him I was new in town and asked what there was to do on a Saturday night? He replied straight away asking why I had moved here and he offered to take me out that night and show me around. To any normal person you wouldn't go meeting a strange person you've only talked to on the internet. But I just had this wave of happiness running through me that I had to take the plunge.

I got ready and looked good, a little too good for Innisfail. He knocked on the door, thoughts, thoughts, wonderful thoughts, scared, scared, nervous, happy. I opened the door and there he was. A little shorter than what I had imagined but totally gorgeous from tip to toe and something just yelled at me, "HI! THIS IS IT! YOU FOUND ME!" I was overwhelmed at this stage but managed to stay calm and collected. I've dated a million guys before (not a million, but you know how it is) so this wasn't new to me. He shook my hand and introduced himself to my Mother. We walked to his car, an 05' Blue Mazda 3 hatch. Not that I've ever noticed what a guy drives, but it then being 07', his car was spotless inside and out and I realised this guy had substance, that he cared, had sensibility. Something was different about this one.

He took me to the only decent place to eat in a small town, an Italian buffet style restaurant. Considering we were both wogs it fit us well. Mind you, being someone that loved food; I hardly ate a thing but neither did he. And now I know, he eats like a horse. I can see that we were both compelled with each other from the very beginning.

There was a certain sparkle in his eyes and the way he spoke with a half smile, rolling every word off his tongue like he enjoyed it. We chatted at the restaurant for what seemed like five minutes, when we'd realised it had been an hour. We headed to the local tavern where we had a drink to settle our nerves and played a game of pool. I can't even remember who won, I was too intrigued with the eyes, the smile, the amazing energy he was pouring into me. We sat down outside and continued to talk. We talked about everything, past relationships, what we look for in partners, the past, the present, the future. I even told him the guys I date have to have nice feet. I can still remember exactly how he wiggled his toes out of his thongs and asked me, "Do you like my feet?" I did. They were brown, clean, perfect and completely adorable. He was completely adorable. We didn't want the night to end, but it was midnight and he was heading to Cairns the next day for New Years with the boys. I was going to be up there with my parents so we casually said we could meet up and that we would hang out again. I doubted it though.

I never thought I would see him on New Years, I figured he would be too busy getting his drink on with his boys. Probably hooking up with some girl already. My Dad had chucked his usual New Years depression antics and the night was quickly going downhill. Anthony rang me, texted me, and rang again. He was keen to meet up. It was only until we got back to our unit and the fight broke loose and the tears began to fall that I rang Anthony to meet up. He bailed on his friends, bailed on the club he had brought tickets for and walked blocks to be by my side. I was saved, I was rescued. I had someone who understood that I needed them, and they came. He made what could of been, one of the worst New Years' of my life (which is normal for me) into the most amazing one I've ever experienced.

He also made my Dad quit his usual tantrum. We raced down the front for the countdown and he gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek when it hit midnight. We watched the fireworks together. We then went to the casino and we got drinks and played the slots. He sat down next to my Dad and talked about being an electrician (as Dad was one at his age too), so I went off and hung out with my Mum. It felt normal, like he was already apart of my family. And best of all, my parents stopped fighting and ended up having quite a good night. At around 2 in the morning we seperated from them. We walked the streets of Cairns, and along the boardwalk- back and forth, talking and talking. We sat down and watched the mountains meet the water, the stars begin to fade and we had our first kiss. It was awkward but exciting. I felt it was too soon and I didn't want to give it up that easy, but I let it go because it was New Years. Everyone needs a little lovin' to bring in the New Year with. He later told me he wasn't being a creep, he knew if he didn't make a move soon someone else would of taken me away from him.

We managed to watch the sun come up on the new year, January 1st 2008. He walked me back to my unit and we have been together eversince.

It's now October 1st 2008 and I can't help but smile and get a little teary thinking about our journey so far. It seems like yesterday we just met. We've been on holidays together, we are as much apart of each other's families as our own, we experimented living together after only three months and of course it only lasted six weeks. I am just flat out crazy in love, head over heels, over the moon for this guy. There is no other way to explain it. I have never been this happy, I have never in my life thought I could ever love anyone more than I already had. He is just amazing. We are amazing together. We did have a rough patch for a couple of months, but we've gotten through it and we're stronger than ever. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. I will fight to keep him in my life always. I want to share every up and down of my life with him. I want to move in together, get engaged, get married, have kids, grow old and die together.

I am the luckiest girl in the world, because I have found love. That true, gut wrenching, heart hurting, tears of joy kind of love. And I thank God every day for bringing this wonderful man in to my life.

I'm so blessed.