Five Days to Salvation.

It has been five days since Anthony abused me face to face and told me I'd fucked everything and he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

I was really cut up, depressed and wondering how I'd ever move on... until the next day when I had calmed down and got the opportunity to think clearly. There was nothing I could do to change how he felt. Fighting for him was never worth it because he never ever fought for me- so trying to apologise and make things better was never an option. I accepted there was nothing I could do and realised he wasn't the man I thought he was, after all this time, all of this hurt, after trying and trying to make our relationship good; there was no hope. We just didn't work. We never will.

Less than 24 hours after the event I was already seeing the light. It's one of those light bulb moments when you feel stupid and almost laugh at yourself for being so attached to someone that really doesn't deserve you to.

Here is how I operate, I play it cool for the first couple of months until I feel safe enough to fall for the guy. Once I do, I really do. I shouldn't, but I can't help it. Then a couple more months go by and the guy starts treating me less than what I deserve; I don't walk away, I let them do it. And then, once it is all finally over... and they do something absolutely so rotten to me that I am just gobsmacked! That's when you give me a week and I have lost what I considered to be "love" for that guy. Meaning- I thought I loved him but obviously not that much if I can get over it this quickly.

It may be surprising that it doesn't take me that long to get over a guy, you see, I am still not over my first love contrary to what I'm saying, but that is buried deep somewhere in my heart as to not interupt my day to day life. But someone like Anthony who I adored and loved for the past year of my life... well I've been there and done that. I know there is always another one around the corner who will be better than the last. And when you know you deserved better and you know that you were the best thing in their life, the only logical thing is to move on and never look back. Chances are six months down the track they're wishing this and regretting that and most likely begging you back in to their life. Whether or not that happens with Anthony I don't know and when the day comes, I won't be interested and that will be his cross to bear.

These last five days I have suffered. Not extremely, but my stomach is filled with sickness and worry twenty hours of the day. I have hardly eaten and he is always on my mind. However, I haven't cried anymore and I'm not sad. I know I am amazing, I know I deserve the best and I will suck it up and move forward.

What is ticking me off more than anything right now is the fact that the slimey little asshole crawled in to my parents office yesterday all embarrassed saying he is still going to come to Japan with us. Although it's all I wanted before, and I wasn't looking forward to being a fifth wheel, now that I know I want to get over it I just don't know how I feel about him coming. He has the right to go, he's paid for it and if he didn't he'd have to put up a lot of money just to get out of it. But the mother fucking prick hasn't uttered a word to me since Monday. Hasn't even told me he's coming. AND, the bastard had the nerve to tell my parents, "Just make sure Jamie-Lee knows we're not getting back together." That blew my mind, why would he think I'd still want to be with him after the things he said and did to me. Dad reckons he's just playing games and saying it so he can stand his ground. That would be right, typical male. I'm furious that he can think I would still respect him and have the same feelings after what he did. He drove past me the other day and didn't bat an eyelid. He pretended not to see me. How childish.

However, come Christmas Eve I'll be on a plane next to him for eight hours and then ten days on a family holiday. MY FAMILY'S holiday and the prick can't make peace before then.

I've decided I'm not going to ruin my holiday by being bitter towards him. I'll be polite, get along but when he wants me to go skiing with him I'll just say, "Hang on a minute mister, you told me you didn't want to see me or talk to me again and you didn't speak to me the entire week leading up to this holiday so fuck off and go skiing with them while I do my own damn thing!"

If you've been broken up with, it's close to death, it really is no matter what people say. But the more positive you are about yourself and what you can gain in the future, the easier it will be to move on and the better you will feel.

These past five days have been an eye opener. Now I have to deal with the weekend and the usual insecurities of him going out, hooking up, partying. My new mantra for the weekend is, "He can't do better than me so let him be with every girl out there so he'll find out." I've got to work all weekend anyway so I will get good sleeps, forget he exists and push on.

I'm smiling because I'm so proud of myself. It's really empowering.

29/12/08 - 16/12/08

I feel like death today.

There are plenty of things I don't understand in life, but the hardest to swallow is someone that you thought loved you, cared about you and put you high up on a pedastool; can hurt you more than you've ever known.

It doesn't just go away. It's a pain that's deep inside you that lingers in every inch of your skin.

Before I had even met Anthony, I knew there would be something serious or great happen between us. Before I even messaged him to meet up for the first time I questioned whether or not I should in fear of the future. It took me five minutes and a series of deep breaths and then I did it. I messaged him. It's as if life gives you defining moments, doors, options, clues, paths. I knew something, but I didn't know what and I chose that something. If I hadn't of, none of this year would have happened and I wouldn't be a week away from going overseas without my boyfriend to celebrate Christmas, our first anniversary and New Year's- the night we first kissed.

I don't understand how love just cannot justify a happy relationship, there is so much more to it. I don't know what we missed, I thought we had everything. I thought this was it! They say you just know when you've found the right person. I got that feeling, and it turned out to be wrong. How will I ever trust my feelings about someone again? How could I ever trust anyone to stick around? It felt so different to anything I've felt before and yet, here I am.

He said he never wants to talk to me or see me again.
He's not coming to Japan.

He may as well have (as cliche' as it sounds), put a knife through my heart.

Having the person I care most about in this entire world, look me in the eye and mean it when he says he doesn't have anything for me and doesn't want anything to do with me really breaks me apart. I've been betrayed by the one person I'm closest to. It's disappointing.

They have actually proven, being emotionally hurt stimulates the same part of your brain that activates when you are physically hurting. It's true, heartbreak really does hurt. It feels like you're an empty vessel forced to move around and go on with life, when your soul and light inside has faded and disappeared.

I don't know what to do.

When you lose your other half, you therefore aren't whole again.

I will be nothing far from lost without you Anthony.