Friday night, fight night.

Anthony and I had a fight tonight.

It began when I started searching for rentals in Cairns to get him a bit more enthused to the idea. See, he has lived here all of his life and he keeps telling me he wants to stay in Innisfail due to his job; for at least another six months. That's fair I thought, but the more I thought about it, and the less he seemed interested, I started to get the feeling he isn't really taking the idea seriously. Then I began to think about spending another six months and more here and it made me want to cry. I have been here six months already and truly, the only thing keeping me here is him. If I hadn't of met him I know I would of moved back down south at least four months ago. And even since being with him the thought has crossed my mind A LOT. To be honest, there has been a couple of times I've been so close to just packing up my car and driving back down. It's been the hardest thing to just stop myself.

This place isn't me.
It's a dead boring town with no interesting people or things to do and I've turned into a couch potato. Instead of having an abundant social life or being active, I just sit on a computer at work, sit on a computer at home, or hang out with Anthony and not do much else. I eat because I'm bored. I've put on weight and I'm not happy AT ALL. For all of these above reasons I have not been happy since I moved and realised this is all this town had to offer me.

Because I'm unhappy constantly about being here, I tend to put it on Anthony a lot which makes us fight a fair bit. I can see it effects him because he has this pressure on him to keep me happy otherwise he thinks I'll just piss off. I do sympathise and try and be happy because of this. I try my hardest to settle here, find the positive things. I honestly can't. The effect it's had on me is too unnoticeable to dismiss.

I told Anthony tonight while we were at dinner that I wasn't sure if I could last another six months here. I've thrown it out there, he can take that how he wants to. He's had enough warning that I'm not happy- he knows this, it's nothing new. He gets angry and upset thinking I could just leave him, and I said to him he should appreciate the fact that I have stayed here with him for as long as I have. I told him if we move I'll be a lot happier and in turn, it will show in our relationship. I've sacrificed my happiness for six months to stay with him, and he can't even for a second consider a compromise to moving earlier. It's not even about his job. He could leave by August, but tonight he confesses that he's scared we'll get there and not work out, or I'll just be unhappy there and want to move again. He just doesn't get it! He just doesn't, and no matter what I've told him he just won't listen or try and understand. It's like he physically can't. And I'm upset he didn't honestly say in the beginning he wanted to be with me for a solid year before we moved.

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I've done all I can to stay here so I can stay with him. But my unhappiness is getting the best of me.

I'm scared I can't wait six months and I will leave, I don't know what will happen between us.

We didn't sort out anything tonight, voices were raised and he said something that offended me, I told him to fuck off then, so he did. Now I'm at home on a Friday night, contemplating how I got to this point. How wonderful my life used to be in Noosa but I took every day for granted! Every single day. I can't get that back, I can only move forward. I'm trying. I really am. But I don't think I can try here anymore.

It seems almost unfair to Noosa going back, like Noosa itself would tell me "I told you so", so I can't go back. Cairns is where I want to be. There are people I've made friends with there that are like me, that are like people from down south, they're materialised, social, fun. The restaurants, the shops, the beaches, the clubs, the people. I want it all. Anthony doesn't understand, he doesn't see it. He is a simple boy who has lived his simple routine life for too long... he is nothing like me.

I wonder if being with him will make me boring and settled. Not the funny, random, outrageous girl I used to be. He doesn't really know me at all, he only knows the girl that moved to Innisfail. He doesn't know the 20 years of life I spent in Noosa. My friend who came to visit me said I'm "calm" now and "boring." I don't want to grow up yet. I don't want to be sensible like Anthony. I don't want to be structured. When I'm with him, I know our future step by step. I don't know if I'm ready for that.

I don't know if being with Anthony will work out.

I try my hardest. But I can feel myself losing my grip.

I'm off to bed.