Unfair.

As the days go by, I miss Anthony more and more.

I feel weak and silly. All I want right now is to close my eyes, open them up and have everything be perfect with him.

I'm pathetic, but he is all I want.

Drunken thoughts.

Last night I went out to dinner with Louis and brought along Lisa and her man Shane and my parents. The place we originally wanted to go to was booked out so we hit up another restaurant. We're sitting there having a good old time when Anthony walks in with his mates. I had the biggest rush of emotions, I was at least glad I saw him whilst I was with another guy and my parents (who he idolises) plus my friends, yet thinking back now I feel almost shallow for being seen with another guy out in town so close after breaking up. I feel worse than I did about hooking up. I know it would of been so hard for him seeing himself replaced like that, or so it would have seemed. He ignored me, said hi to my Dad and that was that. Once my heart started beating normally, the goosebumps left and I didn't feel sick anymore; I enjoyed myself even with Anthony a couple of tables away.

I've realised he walked away from me and there is nothing I should feel guilty about. I committed to him a whole year of my life, heart and soul. He is the one that walked away from that, not me. I never stopped loving him but there is just a point where you have to look after yourself and say enough is enough.

I don't want to talk to him and right now I could not be with him even if he begged on his hands and knees, but it doesn't mean I don't miss every stupid little thing about him. It's not the easiest thing I've had to do but once you realise it's not your fault, you did the best you could and they didn't want it... it makes it just a touch easier to walk away taller.

Fuck you!

That little prick I hooked up with is being an asshole to me.

I don't get it.
I'm older, hotter, better than probably 85% of the chicks he's ever been with and I still get tossed out like yesterday's rubbish.

Pah-lease!

I need to remind myself I only hooked up with him for fun to clear my head of Anthony woes, but my self confidence is shot now and I feel a little stupid for what I did.

However, I do have a date on Friday night. I'm hanging out with Louis, I'm taking the plunge. He rang me tonight and we had a chat. I thought it would be awkard but it wasn't. It was nice. I'm excited but scared.

It's stupid, I never wanted to move on from Anthony. But I had to, and I think sometimes that can feel worse. I miss him heaps today. I guess there are going to be days like this.

Pretty sure everything I'm feeling Van Morrison has written a song for. Haha.
Ho hum. It's only been a week of ignoring Anthony. Seems like forever.

...

Momentary Pause.

I'm laying here in bed, missing Anthony.
Not in a sad, "I wanna die I'm so lost" kinda way. Just a little sad and a lot disappointed how things turned out. Plus I miss the affection and security.

Thursday night I had asked him if I should move on. He told me he didn't know what he wanted and maybe six months to a year later I could be back on the cards, so yes he wanted me to move on. I told him I didn't want to be his friend and he was an asshole.

Saturday he texts me, "So aren't we friends?" I don't reply.

Sunday night he tries to talk to me on Msn. "Hello. Hello? Why aren't you talking to me? So you're not talking to me?" I don't reply, two hours later, "I guess that's a no then..." I was so over it, I couldn't believe him! I said, "Look, can't you take the hint that I don't want to talk to you. You're dead to me!"
"Really?"
"Yes! Just leave me alone!"
"Looks like you had a fun weekend. You seem happier without me."
"Yes, that's right, I am."
"That is good."

Today (Tuesday), he waltzes in to my work. I could not believe my eyes! I was serving two girls and he was just waiting behind them. I served them, went out the back and told my boss he was there. I then walked over to the table and started doing some stock. I couldn't even look at him.
"How's it going?"
"What are you doing here?"
"Don't you wanna talk to me?"
"I already told you I didn't want to talk to you. Don't come in to my place of work."
He walks out.

I just don't get him. I don't understand any of the decisions he makes and any of his actions. I told him on Thursday I didn't want to be his friend and the next day he asks if we are or not. I tell him on Sunday night I don't want to talk to him so Tuesday he's in my store wanting to chat. WHAT THE FUCK IS HE FUCKING THINKING?

I was shaking when he was there today, but I felt good knowing that I didn't care anymore and I didn't have the same feelings. After I calmed down from being so angry at his stupid decision to visit me out of the blue, I actually smiled and felt good that I was sticking up for myself.

The past couple of nights I've just stayed at home which has sucked. I've only done lunch covers at work the past couple of days too, so I've had so much free time to think. We had visitors tonight and we got out the Japan footage from our holiday. It was hard seeing Anthony. I was more angry than upset. I guess I'm not over having someone around all the time, yet I'm over him.

The guy I hooked up with the other night hasn't been asking to hang out or talking to me much and it makes me feel like shit. I'm just bored and thrive on the attention to move on. How pathetic am I? Mind you, I always got the feeling from this guy I was more than a hook up. Can't say I'm surprised and disappointed that I'm obviously not. But that's ok, I don't want a boyfriend... I just miss the attention. Guess he's on my ignore list too. They all come running back eventually.

The 21st I went to the other night was a friend of Lisa and Shane's. A nice boy, from a good family, good work ethic and has already brought himself a home. He has asked me tonight if I want to go to dinner or a movie sometime, and to hang out on the weekend. I want to, as I have nothing else to do with my time... but for some reason he just reminds me of Anthony and how we got together. Seems all too familiar and I'm a little unsure about it.

I can't wait until I start my full time hours next week and move in to the Manager role officially. I will be so busy with work I won't have time to think about losers that don't deserve someone as good as me in the first place!