I haven't written in my dear blog for again, almost a month now. I guess when things are going your way there is no time to stop and post how great your life is. Generally, I only post when I need to vent and usually that is because I'm in a bad mood or something negative is going on with me.
So here I am again.
I actually began writing a post about four days ago on how great everything was going, contrary to my theory of only ever writing when the shit hits the fan. However, I didn't finish it and look where it has gotten me. It said something about how me and Anthony are better than ever and how happy I am... rah rah rah. And now, I have the complete opposite news to share.
Anthony and I had a massive fight on Tuesday. Which resulted in us breaking up, and even worse, photo frames being smashed, my D&G sunnies snapped in two... and my heart, completely shattered.
You see, we were due to move in together in two weeks. We were going to move into a new place with my parents. He practically had lived with me anyway but this was going to make it official and less of a stuff around for him to always bring over his work gear and so on. Everyone (my family, myself and him) had thought as soon as we found a new place to rent that he'd move in. We never discussed it but we all had the idea. Then when we picked a house we liked, I told him that it was too small for the both of us and it wouldn't give us much privacy. Plus it was right near where he lives now anyway. He sort of had a little sook saying he wanted to move in. Which I loved. Because we hadn't really discussed it! So we talked through everything and finally came to the decision he would move in.
I was so excited! I was so ready! This was the best thing to happen to me since actually meeting him.
Then I had an argument with my Mum about rent and other stupid things which got me really upset, so off I went to work in a horrible mood. I decided to text my boy for a little sympathy and a bit of comfort. However, he replies with "I'm scared to move in now.. do you think it's a good idea?" WHY OH WHY would he ask me that at that time. It felt like a knife through the heart. Don't doubt moving in together because of my stupid Mum, that just makes me feel like you're doubting US!
So I went off my head because I felt if he was really serious about us, he wouldn't of said anything, he wouldn't care regardless of what she said. But obviously he is a sook and has to do everything perfect and make everyone happy. So I was going off my head and he was ignoring me which made it worse. Then he rang me and said, "What's your problem?" That pissed me off even more because I'd sent numerous texts explaining why I was angry and so on and so fucking forth! I did over-react. Only because, I was obviously not feeling good from the argument with my Mum and the fact that I was so excited about moving in. His doubtfullness just put me into a downward emotional spiral. I was crying all day. I didn't even know why it was effecting me so much. I guess I just thought he was my rock, that he didn't have doubts, that was my job. I'm the one who should be doubting everything, because he is the one that guides me through with confidence.
He failed to understand any of my rants and proceeded to ring my Mum!
Ok so he goes behind my back to the person that started this in the first place and has a bitch to her about me. And of course, she agrees with whatever he says because she doesn't know my side of the story and the fact that she was annoyed with me already from the mornings events did not help at all.
I'm absolutely off it by now.
I ended up going to his house (because I'd gotten no calls or texts) and we continue fighting and we begin to yell and cry and throw things around. Well, I did the throwing. He did mostly the yelling. We decided it was over then and there, we tried talking through it, but we couldn't see eye to eye, so I apologised, told him I loved him and left.
The next day he messaged me apologising and saying he regrets the night before. I hate that about him, he can't sort through anything at the time, he is one of those people that need to walk away then come back later to realise what's going on. I'm the opposite. I guess because my head always over-thinks. I can see everything from different angles just like that. Blessing or a curse, I haven't figured it out. So we randomly text throughout the day saying how shit we both felt and that we both love each other and miss each other. I'm thinking there could be the tiniest bit of light at the end of this tunnel. Then we chat on the phone and somehow... somehow... we get straight back into the argument. His opinions hadn't changed at all, he was saying the exact same thing he was the night before. I couldn't take it, I told him I was going to do something stupid, grab my keys and left the house with him on the phone. He told me to calm down and just come over. So I did. Where else would I go? He just hugged me and tucked me into bed and held onto me. I laid there thinking how sick I felt. Not only had I lost my boyfriend whom I had already pinned as "the one" after three months... but I'd also lost my best friend. I felt so alone. I woke up the next morning to say goodbye when he went to work. I couldn't speak. I had this burning in the pits of my stomach. He spoke to me like a child. Like, a stranger. Something wasn't right anymore.
There is a light between a couple, that burns throughout your relationship. That's what keeps you interested, that's what keeps you knowing through good and bad, there is that something that you feel that keeps you together. That morning, I had felt that light was out. The "thing" that had made us good, that had made us the couple we were, was gone. I knew it was gone, because I felt so empty. I felt like my heart was searching and searching, but retrieved nothing. I layed there for a long time in his bed. It felt itchy and uncomfortable, unfamiliar and cold. This was no longer my territory. I felt retched and dirty. Why did I let myself become this vunerable? I was letting him get the best of me. He had made me believe that I wasn't good enough, that it was my fault. I had apologised for over-reacting. But he was still punishing me. Hanging me on with a string of guilt and harsh words. I had lost a battle with myself and let him win. I had doubted myself. I had believed it was my fault, but it takes two to tango. He had not tried to understand why I was upset and angry, he just palmed me off and saw an opportunity to milk the best of me. What boyfriend, what friend does that to someone?
Ultimately, when these things happen out of nowhere you often wonder how you got to this point. Why, all of a sudden did this just happen? We had been together just a week shy of eight months. We've had plenty of ups and downs and I know our relationship wasn't perfect. But he felt perfect to me.
I've come from a long line of heartache in my life. I've had three serious boyfriends before Anthony, and I know how the story goes. That's why, when I moved to Innisfail I wasn't looking for a boyfriend or a relationship. I didn't want anything to do with guys. But, I found him. We couldn't help the instant spark when we first met. We couldn't help being away from eachother no longer than two days at a time. I pushed my feelings aside to be cautious, to not make the same mistakes again. I've been here. I've done that. Don't do it my head said, my heart was confused. But he stuck around, he proved he'd stay.
So why did this happen?
It's one thing to be in a relationship, but it is an entirely different thing to let go and let yourself fall. We had met in December, and April 15th I told him I was in love. You try your hardest not to get into that position again, but how can you not when you have met this amazing guy who spoils you on Valentine's day, takes you away for weekends and puts rose petals on the bed with a massive bunch of flowers telling me to enjoy my weekend. How can you not fall for someone who has treated you the best you've ever been treated. Then a couple of months later, you have fights, more than usual, you begin to see true colours.
He is narrow minded.
I'm an open book.
Will it work?
You hope so, because you've gotten this far.
You break up, you get back together, you break up, you get back together.
He is as stubborn and narrow minded as I am emotional and spoilt.
How did we ever think it would work?
Love.
No matter how shit you are for eachother, if you love the person with your every being and you are willing to agree to disagree.. you should be set, right?
Truth is, I don't fucking know anything about love.
I don't know how to be a good girlfriend or stay with the one person for years and years. Yet all I want is to be every one of those things. TELL ME HOW!
It's weird, in the past two days, a couple of my ex's have been telling me they miss me and that I'm beautiful and awesome. These guys broke up with me and walked away from me... I just don't get it. I don't get love, I don't get relationships. I don't understand any of it.
I just want to find the one so I can settle down and be with my partner forever.
So here I am again.
I actually began writing a post about four days ago on how great everything was going, contrary to my theory of only ever writing when the shit hits the fan. However, I didn't finish it and look where it has gotten me. It said something about how me and Anthony are better than ever and how happy I am... rah rah rah. And now, I have the complete opposite news to share.
Anthony and I had a massive fight on Tuesday. Which resulted in us breaking up, and even worse, photo frames being smashed, my D&G sunnies snapped in two... and my heart, completely shattered.
You see, we were due to move in together in two weeks. We were going to move into a new place with my parents. He practically had lived with me anyway but this was going to make it official and less of a stuff around for him to always bring over his work gear and so on. Everyone (my family, myself and him) had thought as soon as we found a new place to rent that he'd move in. We never discussed it but we all had the idea. Then when we picked a house we liked, I told him that it was too small for the both of us and it wouldn't give us much privacy. Plus it was right near where he lives now anyway. He sort of had a little sook saying he wanted to move in. Which I loved. Because we hadn't really discussed it! So we talked through everything and finally came to the decision he would move in.
I was so excited! I was so ready! This was the best thing to happen to me since actually meeting him.
Then I had an argument with my Mum about rent and other stupid things which got me really upset, so off I went to work in a horrible mood. I decided to text my boy for a little sympathy and a bit of comfort. However, he replies with "I'm scared to move in now.. do you think it's a good idea?" WHY OH WHY would he ask me that at that time. It felt like a knife through the heart. Don't doubt moving in together because of my stupid Mum, that just makes me feel like you're doubting US!
So I went off my head because I felt if he was really serious about us, he wouldn't of said anything, he wouldn't care regardless of what she said. But obviously he is a sook and has to do everything perfect and make everyone happy. So I was going off my head and he was ignoring me which made it worse. Then he rang me and said, "What's your problem?" That pissed me off even more because I'd sent numerous texts explaining why I was angry and so on and so fucking forth! I did over-react. Only because, I was obviously not feeling good from the argument with my Mum and the fact that I was so excited about moving in. His doubtfullness just put me into a downward emotional spiral. I was crying all day. I didn't even know why it was effecting me so much. I guess I just thought he was my rock, that he didn't have doubts, that was my job. I'm the one who should be doubting everything, because he is the one that guides me through with confidence.
He failed to understand any of my rants and proceeded to ring my Mum!
Ok so he goes behind my back to the person that started this in the first place and has a bitch to her about me. And of course, she agrees with whatever he says because she doesn't know my side of the story and the fact that she was annoyed with me already from the mornings events did not help at all.
I'm absolutely off it by now.
I ended up going to his house (because I'd gotten no calls or texts) and we continue fighting and we begin to yell and cry and throw things around. Well, I did the throwing. He did mostly the yelling. We decided it was over then and there, we tried talking through it, but we couldn't see eye to eye, so I apologised, told him I loved him and left.
The next day he messaged me apologising and saying he regrets the night before. I hate that about him, he can't sort through anything at the time, he is one of those people that need to walk away then come back later to realise what's going on. I'm the opposite. I guess because my head always over-thinks. I can see everything from different angles just like that. Blessing or a curse, I haven't figured it out. So we randomly text throughout the day saying how shit we both felt and that we both love each other and miss each other. I'm thinking there could be the tiniest bit of light at the end of this tunnel. Then we chat on the phone and somehow... somehow... we get straight back into the argument. His opinions hadn't changed at all, he was saying the exact same thing he was the night before. I couldn't take it, I told him I was going to do something stupid, grab my keys and left the house with him on the phone. He told me to calm down and just come over. So I did. Where else would I go? He just hugged me and tucked me into bed and held onto me. I laid there thinking how sick I felt. Not only had I lost my boyfriend whom I had already pinned as "the one" after three months... but I'd also lost my best friend. I felt so alone. I woke up the next morning to say goodbye when he went to work. I couldn't speak. I had this burning in the pits of my stomach. He spoke to me like a child. Like, a stranger. Something wasn't right anymore.
There is a light between a couple, that burns throughout your relationship. That's what keeps you interested, that's what keeps you knowing through good and bad, there is that something that you feel that keeps you together. That morning, I had felt that light was out. The "thing" that had made us good, that had made us the couple we were, was gone. I knew it was gone, because I felt so empty. I felt like my heart was searching and searching, but retrieved nothing. I layed there for a long time in his bed. It felt itchy and uncomfortable, unfamiliar and cold. This was no longer my territory. I felt retched and dirty. Why did I let myself become this vunerable? I was letting him get the best of me. He had made me believe that I wasn't good enough, that it was my fault. I had apologised for over-reacting. But he was still punishing me. Hanging me on with a string of guilt and harsh words. I had lost a battle with myself and let him win. I had doubted myself. I had believed it was my fault, but it takes two to tango. He had not tried to understand why I was upset and angry, he just palmed me off and saw an opportunity to milk the best of me. What boyfriend, what friend does that to someone?
Ultimately, when these things happen out of nowhere you often wonder how you got to this point. Why, all of a sudden did this just happen? We had been together just a week shy of eight months. We've had plenty of ups and downs and I know our relationship wasn't perfect. But he felt perfect to me.
I've come from a long line of heartache in my life. I've had three serious boyfriends before Anthony, and I know how the story goes. That's why, when I moved to Innisfail I wasn't looking for a boyfriend or a relationship. I didn't want anything to do with guys. But, I found him. We couldn't help the instant spark when we first met. We couldn't help being away from eachother no longer than two days at a time. I pushed my feelings aside to be cautious, to not make the same mistakes again. I've been here. I've done that. Don't do it my head said, my heart was confused. But he stuck around, he proved he'd stay.
So why did this happen?
It's one thing to be in a relationship, but it is an entirely different thing to let go and let yourself fall. We had met in December, and April 15th I told him I was in love. You try your hardest not to get into that position again, but how can you not when you have met this amazing guy who spoils you on Valentine's day, takes you away for weekends and puts rose petals on the bed with a massive bunch of flowers telling me to enjoy my weekend. How can you not fall for someone who has treated you the best you've ever been treated. Then a couple of months later, you have fights, more than usual, you begin to see true colours.
He is narrow minded.
I'm an open book.
Will it work?
You hope so, because you've gotten this far.
You break up, you get back together, you break up, you get back together.
He is as stubborn and narrow minded as I am emotional and spoilt.
How did we ever think it would work?
Love.
No matter how shit you are for eachother, if you love the person with your every being and you are willing to agree to disagree.. you should be set, right?
Truth is, I don't fucking know anything about love.
I don't know how to be a good girlfriend or stay with the one person for years and years. Yet all I want is to be every one of those things. TELL ME HOW!
It's weird, in the past two days, a couple of my ex's have been telling me they miss me and that I'm beautiful and awesome. These guys broke up with me and walked away from me... I just don't get it. I don't get love, I don't get relationships. I don't understand any of it.
I just want to find the one so I can settle down and be with my partner forever.
