You can only do so much...

And that really, is all I have to say.

Finally, exhale.

Thank God, thank God, thank God!

I don't think I've felt this relieved since I had a really bad bout of indigestion and couldn't, you know, do a "movement". It is amazing how quickly things can turn sour, but what is really astonishing is the way it can just as quickly turn sweet again.

This time last week me and Anthony had just gotten back from a trip to Noosa. We had the best time and I thought we were closer than ever. The following day all hell broke loose and I've been hiding in a cave of blankets and tissues ever since; trying to find something to live for. After finally realising that throughout my relationships in my past, I have always had this cheeky side where I seem to put down my partner. I don't even know I'm doing it and the only reason I can think of is it's my heart's own defence mechanism. Here I am thinking I am so open and loving. No, I was all wrong. I can be loving but unintentionally put my man down without even knowing I'm doing it. Like, bringing their notch down so they don't hurt me- or think they're hurting me. I've discovered one thing with love that I know is fact.

Ladies want love.
Guys want respect.
And girls tend to give out love to their man the way they want it in return. However, they should be showing the respect and admiration for their partner and in turn he will show you love.
Same to the boys, they show us respect instead of being all lovey dovey which is exactly how we want them to be.

So it's a circle, and really no one is right or wrong unless they're doing the latter.

I was loving my man, but not respecting him.
He was loving me how he should- and therefore I was the weak link in the circle of lovin'.

I couldn't wait any longer this afternoon, I had to tell Anthony my realisation and apologise my arse off and make my promises to be a better girlfriend. I know I can be because he is worth it, he is my life and I don't want that to ever change.

I told him and he said thank-you and he still feels the same about me.
But I had to wait a whole three hours to talk properly about it as he had class. We spoke just before and he said he appreciated that and is really positive about things to come. Yay, we seemed normal again. We seemed like us.

I'm so happy.
I can't wait to see him tomorrow and hold him in my arms.
He's not frigin going anywhere, not now, not ever.

Exhale.
Goodnight.

Why I love you Anthony.

It has come to my attention that perhaps I wasn't the best girlfriend I could be to the boy I adore. I did not respect him enough and I unintentionally put him down a lot, without realising it or fixing it. He has put up with a lot and given a lot. I just want to dedicate this blog to him, the man I love and cherish and I hope when he reads this one day- he knows the lengths I would go for him.

Where do I begin?

He is one of the nicest guys I've ever met. He tucks me in to bed when he gets up of a morning to go to work so I'm not cold without him. He always kisses me goodbye when he leaves. He takes me out to dinner for no reason and always offers to pay (well, always pays). He messages me to see how my day is going. He always takes his car when we are going somewhere. He uses his Video Ezy card when we get movies because he knows I have overdue fees. He is very patient with me and puts up with my moods and unstable emotions. He is understanding and caring. He provides me with love and security always. He is romantic and really knows how to make me feel special! He makes special occasions unforgettable. He comes over every night to my house because he knows his house scares me with its bugs and spiders, to do this he has to get all of his work gear ready and bring it over for the next day. He appreciates what I do for him. He has made me his priority since we met and I'm always number one.

There is a lot that I love about him. I love his eyes. He gets this certain look on his face when he is looking at me and appreciating me. I can tell he loves me instantly when he looks at me like this. He creeps over to my side of the bed when he is asleep so he can be close to me, he doesn't even know he does it, but I love it. I love when he calls me "bum bum". I love when he jokes around with me and makes me laugh, he is funny and I adore it. I love that he spoils me, not only with materials, but with love, time and especially effort. He has given his all to our relationship. I can really count on him to be there. I love his silly looking toes, they're cute and ugly at the same time but whenever I look at them I just want to eat them. I love his hands, they're always dirty from his job and I always admire how hard working these hands are, but how affectionate and loving they are to me when he's home. I love his face, he has the cutest, most handsome face that I just want to kiss whenever I'm near it and he makes me smile whenever I look at him. Speaking of smiles, he has the most gorgeous smile that lights up my day. I love his body and the way he holds me. I feel secure in his arms and don't want to be anywhere else but with him.

If I could go back, I would try and appreciate him more. I feel like I have let him down by disregarding the way he treated me and just focusing on the bad things I felt he did. If I could go back, I would wake up every day trying to make him the happiest person he could be. And if I could go back, I would do something special for him every day so that he knew how much I cared for him and how much he meant to me.

Unfortunately I can't go back.
I can only move forward.

I am glad I have had time to reflect on the "not so good things" I did in our relationship. I've walked around with my head up my ass for too long thinking that I was the best girlfriend, yes I do love hard, I'm loyal and would go to the ends of the Earth for the one I love... but I do not however, appreciate and respect enough what they do for me. I'm more concerned with them noticing what I'm doing for the relationship. It's a harsh feeling; regret. It sticks to the lining of your stomach and makes you feel icky all day. Eversince our last argument that has sort of been the "big bang" and collapsed all that we had built together, I haven't stopped feeling sad. Even though we are talking through things and wanting to work it out so we can eventually be happy together, I'm still sad.

Our relationship fell short of eight months. During this time, we have had some wonderful memories and great times. Also, we had broken up three times because of outrageous arguments that started over nothing. This was something I couldn't comprehend for a long time because we did love each other so much!! We both definitely saw each other spending many years together... but what was happening? Where was going wrong? I think I see now that I fell short. I did. It really hurts to admit you're wrong when you thought you did the best you could. It's really hard to see there could of been better.

I just hope it isn't too late. I hope I am still loved as much as I was before. I hope that there is a chance to better our relationship and be happy. I am willing to do anything.

Anthony,
You are the one I want to spend the rest of my days with. You make my life complete without words, or actions. I have spent years looking for someone like you, someone to make it worth while. Someone I want to work hard for through good and bad. I want you to know I will do anything to be your girl. I am sorry for taking you for granted, I don't want to miss the chance to be with you. I promise I will treat every day like it's our last- appreciating, respecting, admiring and loving you the best I can. You are the first boy I will admit I'm wrong to and let myself be vunerable. I have kept my guard up to not be hurt, but if I know you're in it as much as I am, I won't let that happen anymore. I will give you my all, not only do you deserve it but it would make me the happiest girl in the world. I know I sound cheesy but I have seen a life without you the past few days and it's not where I want to be, it's not what I want at all. It's ugly and grey and I feel nothing but emptiness. Please forgive me. I love you now and I'll love you always.

Update.

What a weekend that was. Actually, the past five days have been some of the toughest I've had to face in years.

Saturday Anthony came over to talk, we decided to just be friends and try and work on that. All we could keep doing was get ourselves back into the same argument. We finally got good, somewhat good, better than the days before anyway. He said he was going out tonight but only for a couple of hours then he'd come over after and watch a movie. He rocks up to my house at 7:30 with pizza and a movie and I asked if he was going out and he said yeah, but he wanted to watch the movie first. I told him I'd be upset if we hung out then he left me to go out. But he didn't want to wait til later, then when the time came for him to leave I got really upset- exactly like I said I would be. I told him I didn't want him to go. He said he was only going out for an hour and he'd call when he got home, so he left. It made me so mad. I would never leave him upset like that.

Yesterday he was coming to pick up the movie and he asked if I wanted to go to lunch. I said no. He asked why and I said that I didn't think friends was a good idea and he'd upset me last night. We talked for a while and I finally said ok, we can be friends but I'm not going to care because I just keep getting hurt. He started to cry. Then we went for a drive and got lunch at Flying Fish. We had a really good time (we got oysters) and when we finished he asked if I wanted to get a movie. So we took two movies to his. We watched one and then I went and had a nap. He crept in and had a nap with me. I was so exhausted. When I woke up it was about 5:30, he started making us dinner and we watched the other movie. Then we started talking again... about everything. He said he wanted to try things out slowly and see if we can work on it and be good again. I was pretty surprised, from the way he'd been talking I thought he didn't want anything. We talked about what sort of things we'd do differently if we could start over, it got us into a heated discussion and I got upset cause he seemed to be pointing out a lot of negatives about me that he'd never brought up before. I told him if he doesn't like me for who I am then there is nothing to try, it was done. I started to cry and told him to take me home. He stopped me from walking out the door and said sorry, that he's just throwing it all out so we know where each other stands. Didn't matter, it still upset me. We brushed our teeth and hopped into bed and kept talking... I felt like we were getting there, but then he'd say something that'd just make me sick in the stomach. It was hard hearing what he didn't like about me. But I threw it back the same and told him exactly what I didn't like about him too. We agreed if we ever needed to talk about something that made us upset or angry at the other person, that we weren't allowed to text, that we had to at least talk on the phone or discuss it in person cause a lot of our fights are stemmed from misunderstandings in text messages. So unless it's not something nice, don't text it. We also thought we would try a different routine, not seeing eachother as much, not as many sleepovers and things like that. We also decided we're not "in a relationship" as that puts pressure on us, so we're agreeing we're just seeing each other exclusively to work on things, and to everyone else, we're just friends.

We kissed for the first time since last Tuesday and it was really passionate. I wanted to rip his head off. You can imagine what happened next and I told him to stop, he was doing positions we didn't usually do (any other circumstance I'd be all for it but it just wasn't him) and I felt a bit like it was "just sex" to him... I told him it didn't feel right and I didn't want to be used, he said he didn't want me to feel that way and asked me if I wanted to stop, I didn't want to but I just told him to be careful with me. He did. He held me really tight and didn't stop kissing me. It was nice, but afterwards we both felt really awkward. I guess it was a bit too soon for that. I said I felt silly and he said he did too. He cuddled me and we went to sleep.

This morning I felt so different. I guess it's going to take a while for things to be normal and how they used to be. I told him I loved him to death but I just wasn't "in love" because I'd been hurt so badly. I also said it would take quite some time for me to trust him again with my feelings. So this morning I was really quiet and timid. He dropped me home and I didn't say anything, he knew I didn't feel right so he grabbed my hand and held it the whole way home. When he left my house I didn't give him a kiss, just a hug. He asked why so I gave him a kiss. He looked at me with a face that said, "I've really hurt you haven't I", so he knows.

This whole experience has made me realise that I love him so much. I didn't want to lose him but I wasn't going to chase a relationship if he didn't suggest it. I'm not counting on this "taking it slowly" to work, but I'm going to try as best as I can to do things a little differently. I can't change who I am, but I can try to go about things better. I hope he does the same and I do hope we work things out. I don't want to ever be with anybody else. I want him to be the one.It's really ..depressing deep inside to know that after eight months, you have to go back to the beginning and start again. We were two weeks away from moving in together and I was so ready for what was to come. He said he doesn't want to go right back to the start, but I guess it's hard not to.. we've both been through so much. I'm exhausted from it all and not really positive, but I'll do everything I can to try and make it work. Hopefully I just need some time to get over what has happened.

What will it take for you to love me?

I've been in and out of relationships. Some serious, some a complete and utter joke, some good and some bad. But it all ends the same; me being left and hurting.
I'm not quite sure what I have to do to find someone who will love me for who I am and stick by that for as long as time allows. I know I am not perfect, no one is. I'm moody, emotional, spoilt and sometimes selfish. But I do know that I will love you more than anyone ever has, I will remain loyal to you and I will most definitely be there for you through good and bad; by your side always. For some reason, to my previous ex's; that is not good enough. Am I actually destined to be alone? I would rather be alone just so I don't have to keep going through this game. My heart can't take much more and each time I think I've learnt from my mistakes and build a wall to protect myself, some guy comes waltzing into my life and sticks around to "prove" he will be different from all the others. It is like I set myself up for this, time and time again. I play it cool for a couple of months, don't let them get to my heart, but after a while... I crumble. I crave to find true love and a partner that will be my rock throughout my unstable life.
What will it take for you to love me?
I'm tired of searching. I am tired of going through the motions, play it cool, begin to like you, get attached, fall for you, argue, be left. Abandoned, alone and hurting once more. While my head is going "I told you so idiot".
I moved to Innisfail with intentions to stay single. I wanted to spend time with my family, save money, have a holiday after living so long in Noosa. I was willing to love my ex from afar and hope that in a couple of years we'd be right for each other. This was unrealistic and a lovely fantasy but it was enough to keep my mind off "guys". Then along comes Mr. Innisfail. I couldn't help it. I didn't want it. I warned myself. My head knew what was to come but my heart was confused. He charmed me, lured me in.
What will it take for you to love me?
Pretty soon I will have nothing left to give, and I won't be worth loving because I will be a cold heartless bitch.
What will it take for me to love you?