Update.

What a weekend that was. Actually, the past five days have been some of the toughest I've had to face in years.

Saturday Anthony came over to talk, we decided to just be friends and try and work on that. All we could keep doing was get ourselves back into the same argument. We finally got good, somewhat good, better than the days before anyway. He said he was going out tonight but only for a couple of hours then he'd come over after and watch a movie. He rocks up to my house at 7:30 with pizza and a movie and I asked if he was going out and he said yeah, but he wanted to watch the movie first. I told him I'd be upset if we hung out then he left me to go out. But he didn't want to wait til later, then when the time came for him to leave I got really upset- exactly like I said I would be. I told him I didn't want him to go. He said he was only going out for an hour and he'd call when he got home, so he left. It made me so mad. I would never leave him upset like that.

Yesterday he was coming to pick up the movie and he asked if I wanted to go to lunch. I said no. He asked why and I said that I didn't think friends was a good idea and he'd upset me last night. We talked for a while and I finally said ok, we can be friends but I'm not going to care because I just keep getting hurt. He started to cry. Then we went for a drive and got lunch at Flying Fish. We had a really good time (we got oysters) and when we finished he asked if I wanted to get a movie. So we took two movies to his. We watched one and then I went and had a nap. He crept in and had a nap with me. I was so exhausted. When I woke up it was about 5:30, he started making us dinner and we watched the other movie. Then we started talking again... about everything. He said he wanted to try things out slowly and see if we can work on it and be good again. I was pretty surprised, from the way he'd been talking I thought he didn't want anything. We talked about what sort of things we'd do differently if we could start over, it got us into a heated discussion and I got upset cause he seemed to be pointing out a lot of negatives about me that he'd never brought up before. I told him if he doesn't like me for who I am then there is nothing to try, it was done. I started to cry and told him to take me home. He stopped me from walking out the door and said sorry, that he's just throwing it all out so we know where each other stands. Didn't matter, it still upset me. We brushed our teeth and hopped into bed and kept talking... I felt like we were getting there, but then he'd say something that'd just make me sick in the stomach. It was hard hearing what he didn't like about me. But I threw it back the same and told him exactly what I didn't like about him too. We agreed if we ever needed to talk about something that made us upset or angry at the other person, that we weren't allowed to text, that we had to at least talk on the phone or discuss it in person cause a lot of our fights are stemmed from misunderstandings in text messages. So unless it's not something nice, don't text it. We also thought we would try a different routine, not seeing eachother as much, not as many sleepovers and things like that. We also decided we're not "in a relationship" as that puts pressure on us, so we're agreeing we're just seeing each other exclusively to work on things, and to everyone else, we're just friends.

We kissed for the first time since last Tuesday and it was really passionate. I wanted to rip his head off. You can imagine what happened next and I told him to stop, he was doing positions we didn't usually do (any other circumstance I'd be all for it but it just wasn't him) and I felt a bit like it was "just sex" to him... I told him it didn't feel right and I didn't want to be used, he said he didn't want me to feel that way and asked me if I wanted to stop, I didn't want to but I just told him to be careful with me. He did. He held me really tight and didn't stop kissing me. It was nice, but afterwards we both felt really awkward. I guess it was a bit too soon for that. I said I felt silly and he said he did too. He cuddled me and we went to sleep.

This morning I felt so different. I guess it's going to take a while for things to be normal and how they used to be. I told him I loved him to death but I just wasn't "in love" because I'd been hurt so badly. I also said it would take quite some time for me to trust him again with my feelings. So this morning I was really quiet and timid. He dropped me home and I didn't say anything, he knew I didn't feel right so he grabbed my hand and held it the whole way home. When he left my house I didn't give him a kiss, just a hug. He asked why so I gave him a kiss. He looked at me with a face that said, "I've really hurt you haven't I", so he knows.

This whole experience has made me realise that I love him so much. I didn't want to lose him but I wasn't going to chase a relationship if he didn't suggest it. I'm not counting on this "taking it slowly" to work, but I'm going to try as best as I can to do things a little differently. I can't change who I am, but I can try to go about things better. I hope he does the same and I do hope we work things out. I don't want to ever be with anybody else. I want him to be the one.It's really ..depressing deep inside to know that after eight months, you have to go back to the beginning and start again. We were two weeks away from moving in together and I was so ready for what was to come. He said he doesn't want to go right back to the start, but I guess it's hard not to.. we've both been through so much. I'm exhausted from it all and not really positive, but I'll do everything I can to try and make it work. Hopefully I just need some time to get over what has happened.