Why I love you Anthony.

It has come to my attention that perhaps I wasn't the best girlfriend I could be to the boy I adore. I did not respect him enough and I unintentionally put him down a lot, without realising it or fixing it. He has put up with a lot and given a lot. I just want to dedicate this blog to him, the man I love and cherish and I hope when he reads this one day- he knows the lengths I would go for him.

Where do I begin?

He is one of the nicest guys I've ever met. He tucks me in to bed when he gets up of a morning to go to work so I'm not cold without him. He always kisses me goodbye when he leaves. He takes me out to dinner for no reason and always offers to pay (well, always pays). He messages me to see how my day is going. He always takes his car when we are going somewhere. He uses his Video Ezy card when we get movies because he knows I have overdue fees. He is very patient with me and puts up with my moods and unstable emotions. He is understanding and caring. He provides me with love and security always. He is romantic and really knows how to make me feel special! He makes special occasions unforgettable. He comes over every night to my house because he knows his house scares me with its bugs and spiders, to do this he has to get all of his work gear ready and bring it over for the next day. He appreciates what I do for him. He has made me his priority since we met and I'm always number one.

There is a lot that I love about him. I love his eyes. He gets this certain look on his face when he is looking at me and appreciating me. I can tell he loves me instantly when he looks at me like this. He creeps over to my side of the bed when he is asleep so he can be close to me, he doesn't even know he does it, but I love it. I love when he calls me "bum bum". I love when he jokes around with me and makes me laugh, he is funny and I adore it. I love that he spoils me, not only with materials, but with love, time and especially effort. He has given his all to our relationship. I can really count on him to be there. I love his silly looking toes, they're cute and ugly at the same time but whenever I look at them I just want to eat them. I love his hands, they're always dirty from his job and I always admire how hard working these hands are, but how affectionate and loving they are to me when he's home. I love his face, he has the cutest, most handsome face that I just want to kiss whenever I'm near it and he makes me smile whenever I look at him. Speaking of smiles, he has the most gorgeous smile that lights up my day. I love his body and the way he holds me. I feel secure in his arms and don't want to be anywhere else but with him.

If I could go back, I would try and appreciate him more. I feel like I have let him down by disregarding the way he treated me and just focusing on the bad things I felt he did. If I could go back, I would wake up every day trying to make him the happiest person he could be. And if I could go back, I would do something special for him every day so that he knew how much I cared for him and how much he meant to me.

Unfortunately I can't go back.
I can only move forward.

I am glad I have had time to reflect on the "not so good things" I did in our relationship. I've walked around with my head up my ass for too long thinking that I was the best girlfriend, yes I do love hard, I'm loyal and would go to the ends of the Earth for the one I love... but I do not however, appreciate and respect enough what they do for me. I'm more concerned with them noticing what I'm doing for the relationship. It's a harsh feeling; regret. It sticks to the lining of your stomach and makes you feel icky all day. Eversince our last argument that has sort of been the "big bang" and collapsed all that we had built together, I haven't stopped feeling sad. Even though we are talking through things and wanting to work it out so we can eventually be happy together, I'm still sad.

Our relationship fell short of eight months. During this time, we have had some wonderful memories and great times. Also, we had broken up three times because of outrageous arguments that started over nothing. This was something I couldn't comprehend for a long time because we did love each other so much!! We both definitely saw each other spending many years together... but what was happening? Where was going wrong? I think I see now that I fell short. I did. It really hurts to admit you're wrong when you thought you did the best you could. It's really hard to see there could of been better.

I just hope it isn't too late. I hope I am still loved as much as I was before. I hope that there is a chance to better our relationship and be happy. I am willing to do anything.

Anthony,
You are the one I want to spend the rest of my days with. You make my life complete without words, or actions. I have spent years looking for someone like you, someone to make it worth while. Someone I want to work hard for through good and bad. I want you to know I will do anything to be your girl. I am sorry for taking you for granted, I don't want to miss the chance to be with you. I promise I will treat every day like it's our last- appreciating, respecting, admiring and loving you the best I can. You are the first boy I will admit I'm wrong to and let myself be vunerable. I have kept my guard up to not be hurt, but if I know you're in it as much as I am, I won't let that happen anymore. I will give you my all, not only do you deserve it but it would make me the happiest girl in the world. I know I sound cheesy but I have seen a life without you the past few days and it's not where I want to be, it's not what I want at all. It's ugly and grey and I feel nothing but emptiness. Please forgive me. I love you now and I'll love you always.