One Week Post-Boy

Glory glory.

One week has passed and I'm still alive, still smiling and still ready to find the love of my life! Not yet, but some day...

Only two more sleeps til I get on a jet and fly to Japan. I'm going from the humid North Queensland heat to the blizzards of Nozawa Onsen. But I guess lately I'm adapting to change well and there is nothing I can't overcome with a positive attitude and that certain twinkle in my eye that says, "Ha, bring it on pal."

The most challenging of all will be confronting my recent ex Anthony after nine days of no contact, not even a glance from afar because I haven't even seen or heard from him. In "relationship time", nine days of cold turkey after a serious relationship is almost like a month, or even two. You could just imagine how I've played out our first encounter over and over in my head.

Do I smile and act happy, non chalent?

Do I ignore him, be bitter?

Truth is I have no idea how to act.

He rang my Mum to organise some last minute holiday things. He asked her what I felt about him still coming. She simply told him, "awkward." I wish she had told him the truth that I'm not impressed, and now that I'm over it I wish he wasn't coming.

I'd bought his family Christmas presents that I left at his so he could forward them on (they were from "both of us") and Mum asked him if he'd bothered to do so. He ummed and ahhed and said he'd have to talk to me and organise to go out and see his family. He asked what my work hours were for the next two days. I figured out of the two nights left to do this I would be receiving my first sign of contact tonight. Sure enough, it's getting late and I haven't heard a peep.

I bet he doesn't know what to say, or where to begin. Because I know I feel that way. I don't know how I'd reply to him. I just don't think I could. Part of me wants to tell him that unless I have to see him, ie. Japan, then I don't want to see him at all. Part of me wants to dress up and look stunning and go out to his family's house, a family that loves me and adores me and have him watch at what will no longer be an addition to the troop. But also, mostly, I feel like I just couldn't talk to him at all. I have no desire whatsoever. I won't forgive him.

Which in turn, makes me upset that I am forced to go on an overseas trip of a lifetime. A milestone, a great memory- and he will be there for it all. A stain on what is meant to be something amazing happening in my life will now be reverted back to our break up and the last six months of fighting and hardship we've been through. Is it so selfish that I'm upset he hasn't made friends with me until this time? How would he expect me to be come Wednesday?

He also told Mum he wants to ask me whether I want to open my Christmas presents from him here, or in Japan on Christmas day. Firstly, I don't even want his fucking presents and I'd love to tell him to shove them in his cupboard for his next girlfriend. I'd also like to open them and go, "Oh yeah, thanks" and put them in my suitcase. I left mine at his house and told him to open them because he wasn't coming to Japan, I wonder if he did? Did he love the Prada sunnies I spent weeks saving for? Did he love the ring I brought him as a symbol of my commitment to him? I feel like a fool. Did he read the card on our first anniversary gift that said I would love him, forever?

I'm sad that I've moved on.
I'm sad that what I thought to be the real thing, for the first time, turned out to be traumatic and hurtful. When we were first together, the first six months was bliss. I never imagined the things that happened.

I had this awful experience yesterday afternoon. I was so stuffed from work I was falling asleep on the couch. As I was dozing off, just about at ground zero, a warm fuzzy feeling came over me and I saw images of Anthony. It felt like he was there with me, a montage of him and I played across my mind and suddenly an image of me pregnant and him smiling. I was so tired I couldn't make it stop and I felt really really depressed and sad. I could feel my face tense up as if I was about to cry but the next thing I know I wake up. It had been an hour or so later and I was really disorientated.

I don't know what it means. I hadn't intentionally thought of him and I couldn't get my mind to think of anything else.

I'm doing so well aside from that. I'm ok being alone. I'm ok if he has a girlfriend next week named Naomi who is drop dead gorgeous, that he proposes to next year. I'm ok. I did my best and that's all I could do.

I'm scared that he will make me weak and defenceless again. I'm scared I will love him when I see him, I don't want to go backwards. I want to move on and never look back.

Truth is, I'm shit scared I won't feel this positive and as over it after this trip.

I'm shit fucking scared to be unhappy.