My eyes are welling up with a familiar sting of tears glazing the corners. My stomach is knotting and pulling while what seems to be a hammer pounding the pit of my tummy; it's making me feel hollow and sore. Maybe that's what I am? Hollow. I feel like nothing is fulfilling me at all.
To help you understand why I feel this way, I want to take you back to the year of 2005. I was fresh out of high school and was seeing a boy that I was with during all of 2004- despite him cheating on me and treating me like shit, we were still together. I also had two best friends whom I'd spend all of my spare time with. Jerry and Luke. We spent so much time together we called ourselves the Tripod. I hadn't had many "best" friends in high-school so these two boys really made me open my eyes to see that there are people out there I could finally trust and turn to in any moment of despair. Things with the current boyfriend were going no where. Our fights were rediculous and lengthy, not to mention unhealthy and sometimes violent. We eventually broke up. It didn't matter, I had my two best friends to get me through one of the toughest times of that year. However, it all seemed to turn when I became noticeably quiet around them, sometimes moody. I still remember showering after one of our usual hang outs and thinking how chaotic my thoughts were and questioning why there was so much on my mind. It then dawned on me, then and there under the pelting water beads; I'm in love with Luke. I didn't understand as I'd always pegged him as "just a guy friend" and supported him when he had girl issues etc. The sudden realisation was like being electricuted there and then in the shower, I didn't know whether I felt happy or sad. I knew that falling for a best friend was never easy.
We got closer and closer as time went on, I tried not to show how I felt but at times I couldn't help it; I knew my eyes weren't hiding the sparkle that he had put there every time I saw him. Eventually we kissed one night. It was a moment I never knew would happen but had wished upon every single star that perhaps it would. Although the moment was wonderful, it soon became awkward and a week later he was dating another girl. He said, "wait for me" in a text message but any girl with a pair would know not to do such a thing. In my head, I didn't have the time to wait, in my heart, I had forever. To his face, I supported his latest flavour of the week and was still there being the best friend like I had been. However, one night he stayed over (I lived on my own) and we both slept on the couch after watching movies. I can't remember if Jerry had been there or not, but I think it was a typical tripod hang. He wouldn't sleep, he kept kicking my feet and hurting me, wanting attention. Eventually, he crept under my blanket and took me in with one breath. Our lust/crush blossomed into love within a couple of months. We spent most days together and when we didn't I hated being without him. We had said the "L" word to each other and life really was spectacular and to date; probably THE happiest time of my life. He treated me like a princess, he was soft, a gentleman, caring, generous; everything girls dream of being the "perfect boyfriend". I had hoped I was the same to him, despite my horrible mood disorder and my lack of experience in relationships. On our 5th month anniversary I flew to London, for which I would embark on a month long journey to catch up with my sister and parents. You say it's going to be ok, you think one month is nothing and a relationship as "strong" as yours will make it. In saying this, he was freshly eighteen and I was about to turn nineteen. It was almost impossible for it to last. But two weeks in and I'm receiving cute e-mails and even a collage of pictures that portrayed all of our secret inside jokes together. However, the third week I went to Amsterdam and couldn't contact him due to my phone not working there and not spoiling my holiday by finding the nearest net cafe. So when I get back from Amsterdam, things seemed awkward. I had that horrible gut feeling. I couldn't get hold of him, finally Christmas Eve came and I rang him because I couldn't handle knowing that something was out of order. He was short, weird, not the guy I fell for. Why? I pleaded him to tell me what was going on, he said he wanted to talk when I came home which was four days away. I didn't want my Christmas and holiday ruined, I beckoned him to tell me. So he said it, just how I imagined he would. I became a hollow sour broken soul. I woke up and it was Christmas, I had lost the love of my life.
He still came to pick me up from the airport, and of course he fucked me around for a while, sleeping with me, spending time with me; leading me on. Until one day I was the enemy. I got treated like utter shit for almost three years, with the odd occasion I'd coax him back into some sort of "friendship" to only have him disappoint me again. I never lost sight of the love that I had for him because inside I knew it was real. I didn't just imagine the wonderful feelings, the incredible memories. I tried, for three years to get him back. I was in short lived relationships and nothing would compare.
Finally, two weeks prior to moving to Innisfail he wandered his way back in to my life. It began the way it always did, going to the movies. We are both eager movie buffs and share the passion of a well made film. He kept inviting me and I wondered why he was being so nice, after so many years of hate and misinterpreted friendship; he had finally realised he felt the same and always had. It was a hard realisation for him, and something I had been waiting for, dreaming about, wishing, begging, pleading, praying to hear. December 17th 2007 he finally confessed everything. But it was too late, I had already decided I was moving, on December 21st and not even he could stop me. I didn't understand why I moved. I guess I figured it had all been in my head. I met Anthony and fell in love with him from the moment we first laid on eyes on eachother, December 29th.
Do you want the truth? I love Anthony so much and I could marry him and be happy living this life time with him, but thoughts of Luke will never fade. I started this blog six days ago and it has been so hard to keep writing, keep telling the story that has effected me for so long but that's not why I am writing... the story of Luke and I isn't why I feel so empty.
He messaged me the other day and told me he's having a baby with his girlfriend (who by the way, he's only been with for three months or so). What am I meant to think? What do I say? Sure, I wish him the best and hope he's happy but really is that how I'm feeling on the inside? My long haul of heartship is finally over, it has to end despite having held on to it with dear life. Someone who was once my best friend, the person that thought exactly what I did at the same time, someone who became my lover, my everything and still... I am full of emotions and nothing reassuring or pleasing. I feel like death that I am upset when I have the most wonderful boyfriend who I love dearly. I am just sick to my bones wondering how I will ever get over him.
I don't quite know how to finish this entry. I just don't know anything anymore.
