Me.

I cannot believe it's been 20 days since I last wrote.

17 days ago, Anthony stopped talking to me. It was possibly the best decision he's ever made. 3 days ago we spoke again. I can't be bothered to dive in to the particulars, (yes, can you believe it) but these last couple of weeks have been almost ground breaking to the person I am. I don't know whether watching every season of Sex and the City should be credited for my shift in attitude, or finally, I'm learning a thing or two about relationships and who I am as a person.

For once in my life I am enjoying my own company. I'm not out scrounging for a guy to hang off to feed my dependence for people, to pass the time while I ponder over Anthony and our failed relationship. I'm grieving in a healthy way, missing him indefinitely but pushing forward and accepting I'm now alone. Not everything I do is halved, my thoughts and decisions don't have to be shared with someone else... here I am, just me. This isn't just wonderful because I'm learning to get over a relationship I had last year, but I'm learning that I don't for the life of me, need a man to complete me. If anyone knew me well enough, they would know for most days out of the last eight years I have spent being someone's girlfriend rather than being single. I'm that girl that's always in a relationship, or prospecting a future relationship.

This weekend I spent by myself, enjoying my own company. I'm not a loner and just don't have friends, Louis was asking me every day if we could catch up; I was just simply content with chilling by myself.

I think it also has a lot to do with my new job. I'm a boss, a leader, there is a certain appeal to that. It has given me a lot of confidence and validation that I am in fact a smart and a talented business woman. Especially after my first month of being in control and getting excellent results! I think I've proved a lot of people wrong, possibly even myself? It is a role that is once in a lifetime for me. I'm also becoming very money conscious and learning to control my finances. I could see myself purchasing a home, or investment property sooner than I had ever imagined. My loan and credit card debt is diminishing week by week and the stress of money is slowly lifting off my shoulders.

For once in my life, I feel very confident in who I am and what I'm doing. I have God to thank for being so blessed. I am a very lucky individual. I'm not rich or famous, but I'm healthy, happy and living a life not many people have the opportunity to live. For someone who has suffered depression, low self esteem and the fear of being useless all my life, this is a major turning point in my journey.

It's funny, my horoscope told me this year would be the year I've been waiting for all my life. The one where it finally comes together and I see how everything in the past has gotten me to where I am. Isn't that amazing?

I still believe in love, but I am prolonging the search because I know, out there, someone, somewhere is waiting for me and I will most definitely bump in to them when the time is right. I have confidence in true love. For some funny reason, I still believe whole heartedly that I will end up with Luke. I can't wait to look back on this journal in a few years and see where I've come and where I am.

In five years, I see myself managing Dotti somewhere busy, living with Luke in a house we bought together and living happily ever after.

Restless.

I've just been abruptly woken by my Mum vomiting for the sixth time today. It's one in the morning.

She has a lapband and unfortunately she is in the slight percentage where it has moved and given her nothing but trouble since she got the damn thing. It makes me wonder, how far would we go to have the ideal body shape? Yes, she has lost a lot of weight. Probably 20kg, if not more. When I ask her why she doesn't just take it out now, she tells me she still would like to lose another 15kg. For the last year and a half that I have been back living with them, she has had nothing but trouble from this lapband. She constantly vomits. In the morning, in the afternoon and a lot of the time all throughout the early hours of the night. For some reason the toilet is always next to my room so I'm woken up by her choking constantly. I'm never been a fan of throwing up so it's been really nerve wracking for me to have to go through this with her. Of course I'm worried about her as constantly vomiting and never getting any nutrience can only lead to further issues, but on one hand I can't help but be pissed off that she has in fact done this to herself and won't get the frigin' thing taken out. Or, why couldn't just have the willpower to lose the weight herself? She looks hideous lately. Her skin is yellow and weathered, she looks like the life is literally being sucked out of her. So when I'm not listening to her vomiting, I see her every day looking sickly. It's getting on my last nerve. I'm concerned and annoyed. I want her to be healthy. It has finally come to the point where she can't keep anything down. She is going to end up in hospital if something isn't done.

She finally saw the specialist and he has booked her in to get a new lapband put in correctly and the old gotten rid of, but now, thankfully she is starting to consider taking it out for good. I'm going to push this as much as I can. And if she doesn't, I'm going to be very angry.

I am probably being selfish, but mostly I care that this is going to backlash so badly for my Mum. It's not safe at all and at the moment it has become really scary. I can't keep waking up to the sounds of her discomfort and pain, it's killing me.