Happy Birthday to me.

Since I last wrote, Anthony and I began talking again. Well I stopped ignoring him. We've been working on "being friends". It's only been a couple of weeks and I'm already seeing the positive changes between us.

I haven't written in these past couple of weeks because I have been "happy" and busy with work. Between reconciling with Anthony, hanging out more with Louis and starting my role as manager- I just haven't had the time. But isn't it funny, I've actually thought, "I should write this in my blog." I guess I have plenty to update, also today was my birthday and I turned 22. I guess that deserves to be recorded as well as my reflections of the past year and also taking a peek at where I'm going.

When I turned 21, I had just moved to Innisfail. I had a handful of new mates, a new car, no money and no career goals. Anthony and I had known each other for a month and things were still exciting and fresh...

Now that I've turned 22, I still have no money but I have a great job that is taking me somewhere and something I'm very proud to have achieved. My handful of mates that I made a year ago are still my friends and made my birthday more special than any of my south coast friends ever have. I have made a new friend in the past few weeks, Louie, who has revitalised me with his new found friendship; reminding me I can still get giddy by sending me flowers to work for my special day. And Anthony, although we broke up a month ago, we are now slowly becoming good friends which is making things once again exciting and fresh.

I woke up today with an air of confidence that I can get over him if I wanted to. But I don't want to. I've accepted we are not together and I'm just rolling with the punches. He surprises me all the time now with random text messages or wanting to hang out and watch movies and it has been enjoyable. We are again enjoying each other's company. We also talk through things in a civilised adult manner and we don't niggle at the small things which then turn in to a big fight over nothing. You can see how much effort we are both putting in, even for a friendship. I'm somewhat proud of myself for being strong enough to be ok with everything. It has been hard, what can I say? But it's all a process.

I have the most strange feeling we will get back together when the time is right, therefore I'm enjoying the freedom of singlehood. It's nice to not have that pressure of someone else when you're so busy with work anyway. I know how "career orientated spinsters" feel now. Although I'm certainly not as high up and important as most of those women, ha! But yes... either time will roll on and we will slowly work our way back together, stronger, more aware. Or; we will continue to be friends and through the months passing I will have gotten over it and have kept one of my bestest friends to date.

I can't lose.

Or could I?
Would I seriously get back with someone who, in the past few months has hurt me so much? So this question has got me stumped; when is it ok to go back to an ex?

Is it possible to get back together and be stronger?

I know this is stupid, but take Audrina and Justin Bobby... is it just me or was her hurt and pain worth it in the end? We all thought she was an idiot to keep going back, to keep hearing the same old lines, to keep getting hurt. But he all surprised us in their last season, didn't he? I think men are just so imature, they need time to wrap their heads around "love".

So I pose another question? How do you know when someone is worth fighting for?

I've constantly reflected on Anthony and my relationship and I can definitely see the mistakes. We fell in love from the very first moment we met, it was actually magical and something that only happens on a movie. Our relationship was so amazing, we put things on fast forward and tried to cram five years in to one.

I used to walk around with a permanent smile on my face, even a few months on, I still had that, "just beginning" fuzzy feeling in my stomach. I thought we were so blessed to have found each other, it's almost unfair that things turned out the way it did. We both say we wish it never happened like this. But why do we just stand around and let it huh?

I can tell he still loves me. The way he looks at me, the way he smiles when we lock eyes for longer than a few seconds. The way he gave me a tight squeeze and a kiss on my head for my birthday. I just don't think he knows what to do about those feelings and how could he when the last few months have been almost unbearable for us? I would be confused too.

But I'm not a "walker-awayer". I stay and fight. He never has. He always has to go off, cool down, think and have time. I'm pretty sure he just needs a whole lotta time, because deciding whether to get back with me or not is like playing for keeps. He knows I love and adore him, I bet he knows inside he loves and adores me... so if we did get back together we would want it to last, this could be it...

That's a big thing to think about really. It's something we shouldn't probably think about at all and just go with what's happening now, but when emotions and your heart is in play; it's hard not to think ahead.

Or perhaps I'm wrapped up in my own fairytale and he really is just happy to go on being my friend, day in and day out for the next fifty odd years.

I'm usually right in this department though.
I have very strong intuition.
I knew Luke still loved me, three years on, people told me to give up and I was crazy. I never gave up on him and I finally got him back. I wonder why I never stayed? Would I wait three years for Anthony? I don't think so. I'm just going along my own path and if one day his path happens to join mine again, so be it. I love the kid so much. I don't think I've ever loved someone so much since Luke... but isn't it funny how I've only realised that after the event. God, it's always the same isn't it?

Mum even noticed. "I haven't seen you like this since Luke..." It was scary to hear that because it has taken me years, and an unborn child to even slightly forget that boy.

For the first time since we broke up, I have a confident feeling that things will be ok. Afterall, everything happens for a reason.