29/12/08 - 16/12/08

I feel like death today.

There are plenty of things I don't understand in life, but the hardest to swallow is someone that you thought loved you, cared about you and put you high up on a pedastool; can hurt you more than you've ever known.

It doesn't just go away. It's a pain that's deep inside you that lingers in every inch of your skin.

Before I had even met Anthony, I knew there would be something serious or great happen between us. Before I even messaged him to meet up for the first time I questioned whether or not I should in fear of the future. It took me five minutes and a series of deep breaths and then I did it. I messaged him. It's as if life gives you defining moments, doors, options, clues, paths. I knew something, but I didn't know what and I chose that something. If I hadn't of, none of this year would have happened and I wouldn't be a week away from going overseas without my boyfriend to celebrate Christmas, our first anniversary and New Year's- the night we first kissed.

I don't understand how love just cannot justify a happy relationship, there is so much more to it. I don't know what we missed, I thought we had everything. I thought this was it! They say you just know when you've found the right person. I got that feeling, and it turned out to be wrong. How will I ever trust my feelings about someone again? How could I ever trust anyone to stick around? It felt so different to anything I've felt before and yet, here I am.

He said he never wants to talk to me or see me again.
He's not coming to Japan.

He may as well have (as cliche' as it sounds), put a knife through my heart.

Having the person I care most about in this entire world, look me in the eye and mean it when he says he doesn't have anything for me and doesn't want anything to do with me really breaks me apart. I've been betrayed by the one person I'm closest to. It's disappointing.

They have actually proven, being emotionally hurt stimulates the same part of your brain that activates when you are physically hurting. It's true, heartbreak really does hurt. It feels like you're an empty vessel forced to move around and go on with life, when your soul and light inside has faded and disappeared.

I don't know what to do.

When you lose your other half, you therefore aren't whole again.

I will be nothing far from lost without you Anthony.