The day after tomorrow.

So.

I can't even begin to explain the day I've had. All I know is, I'm left scarred.

Basically, I live with my parents and work with my parents. Today we had a fight that snowballed into a violent attack. I've had enough. I am twenty-one years old now, I have had enough of being punished, controlled and most importantly "smacked" just like a little kid.

I moved out. Mum asked for my set of keys to the house and the office. Anthony suggested moving my stuff into his and I guess at the time it seemed like his house would be a sanctuary of freedom and love. He's away for the weekend so he's had to do all of his supporting by correspondence and somehow, things have also turned a little sour with us too. Now I'm sitting at his, remembering how much I hate it here. His house is inside a shed. It's hard to explain but it has walls, rooms, everything but it's just built inside a shed that's at the top of his father's property. He lives on a hill on what I would consider a small "mountain". There are insects, toads, snakes, cassowarys- everything here I hate. And just as I immediately thought when walking into his room, "I bet there is a big spider in here," sure enough I turn around and see a massive spider next to me. So big I don't want to get too close to kill it with my thong. It crawled up behind the curtain with three sets of thongs landed strategically on the window sill. Shut up. I can't help it, I hate them. So I have to be here, uncomfortable to take a shower or go to bed because the spider is down that end of the house. Also, Anthony is happily out and about on the town tonight having a great old time. Good on him. His sister is moving to London on Tuesday so I wanted him to have a good weekend with her, but I can't help resent him for being so far away when I'm on the verge of doing something "stupid".

Despite the horrible day, I'm more worried about me and Anthony's relationship going down the drain because we're sort of forced to take our relationship to the next step. I've wanted to live with him for so long, but the more I thought about it and realised we have forever to do these things, I started appreciating the time I had away from him. I'm really scared I'm not ready to live with him but I don't have any other options. I have no money, no job and nowhere else to live. I don't want to lose the last thing I have left that means so much to me.

I won't take this negatively. This is just the chance to re-evaluate what I want to do and where I want to go. I still have my hip hop teaching, and I go back the day after tomorrow. I really don't feel like doing it anymore. I just don't think I have that dancing spark in me anymore. I'm afraid that chapter is closed in my life, I just don't want to let the teacher or the kids down. I think this is a decision I'll make tomorrow when I'm feeling better. I'm going to hop into bed, read my book and try and get a good sleep. I want to forget today.

Jobless, homeless, helpless
I resent you and hate the other
I'm so alone here
With no boyfriend, sister, father, mother.
To be found strewn with cobwebs
Because I waited to be happy
Saddened and unlikely for a full recovery.
Am I a dissapointing shadow
To the cast of the statue before me?
I've lowered my head for so long
My neck won't willingly
Raise above emotions, memories or pain
You never truely stop abusing until
You've been branded unstable; insane.