Fallen.

I'm trying to stay positive. I don't have cancer or a terminal illness, I have a roof over my head, food in my belly and clothes on my back. Yet, I feel like I have nothing. I have $140 on me, no job, my sister and close friends are 18 hours south of me and my parents and boyfriend I did have here; all seem a distant memory.

It's funny when you feel life is going exactly the way you want it, something somehow turns it inside out and upside down so it is no longer recogniseable. I try to believe everything happens for a reason and a lot of the time I do, but it's the waiting to find out the reason that always bums me out.

If things hadn't of soured with Anthony and I, I'd probably be really happy at this point because as long as I had him, nothing could put me down. I don't know where our relationship went, a few short days ago we were better than we'd ever been. We had learnt to resolve fights before they blew out of proportion. We were happy and healthy and more in love than ever. I was secure for the first time in a couple of months that what we had was perfect. I was looking forward to him going away because I had nothing to worry about. I don't know how he didn't understand my need for attention when things turned ugly with my parents. I don't understand how he could still fight with me knowing how fresh my hurt was. He was the only person in my life I could trust to look after me through thick and thin, yet whenever a fight occurs, he bails. Bounds up and shuts me out. I wonder if he knows I'm more upset about losing him than fighting with my parents? I wonder if he knows that I only want to move because I can't stand being around him without the same loving feelings there once was. Every time we have these sorts of fights in our relationship, we are always left questioning, "Are we even meant to be together?". I've never felt like this for anyone in my life and it scares me more than death to think about losing him. What do I do?

I'm forced to live with him because I have nowhere else to go. I figured the day we moved in together would be one of the happiest days of our relationship. It was tainted before he even walked through the door.

Do I apoligise for being difficult on the weekend? Is it my fault I acted so selfishly? I feel like I should have been considered with understanding and empathy, my father had hit me and both parents had disowned me- should I have expected less from him? He fights with me saying he did all he could and I treated him poorly and didn't appreciate what he did for me. I did appreciate him being there for me, we talked throughout the day and it gave me hope I would get through this. Until we had a small fight that resulted in Anthony not talking to me for a few hours the night of the incident. I felt more alone than ever, and dreading what was to come with Anthony. It's as if by thinking it, I brought it all on. I wondered why he could ring me a few hours later acting like I didn't upset him or make him angry. I can't even describe it anymore, it makes me mad and upset all at once.

He told me I had ruined his weekend.

Our fight continued Sunday until that night, he made me crazy not wanting to talk to me and arguing his point over and over when I felt like I should of had some consideration that I had just been through something traumatic! He said he didn't know if he loved me and just wanted me to shutup and go to sleep.

I wanted to kill myself. Disappear. The only person I had left in the world turned his back on me.

What hurts me more is the fact that he has been acting normal ever since. He hugs me before he goes to work, talks to me nicely. I wonder if he still feels for me inside. I wish I could move away so he knew what it felt like to not have me, like I had felt on Sunday night. Sometimes I find it unfair the way he treats me, the way he's so stubborn to fight to the bitter end that he is right. It gives me a dry lump to my throat thinking about wanting to be with him for the rest of my life but knowing this quality about him and rethinking my plans for the future.

I'm so lost.

I feel like he's in control of me too. I'm living under his roof, cooking, cleaning, trying to earn my keep. I try to sleep on the sofa so he realises I'm upset with him and things aren't going to be normal until he talks to me. Why won't he tell me he still loves me? Why doesn't he tell me it's going to be ok? Is he really over me for good?

I wish I could talk to him but I'm sick of showing him my weak qualities. Who would want to be with me, when I'm a complete and utter fucking mess?

I want to get over him and I want him out of my life but he is still all I have here. I feel like he let me down so badly I could never forgive him.

Although all I want is for everything to be back to normal.