So, it's been a week since Louie asked me if we were a thing. Throughout the past week I've had a "commitment" freakout. I don't want a boyfriend or a relationship and everything Louis has been doing lately has been pissing me off completely. For example; Wednesday night I slept at his house, we went to bed at 11. We said goodnight and did the whole hug and kiss thing then when I rolled over ready to fall into a lovely deep sleep, he spoons me and tries to have sex with me. I push his hands away but he still pursues me by hugging and kissing and basically SMOTHERING the fuck out of me! I was so annoyed. I closed my eyes, thought of someone else and fell asleep. Next thing I know I'm woken up to him caressing me and holding me, kissing me, STILL. I was so fucking mad! I'm like, "what's the time!?" He tells me it's 12:30... so he still hadn't gone to sleep and was still trying to have sex with me, I angrily told him to go to sleep and literally elbowed him to the other side of the bed. He FINALLY got the hint. So that was the first annoying thing.

So for the weekend I decided to rebel against commitment and make all my plans, NOT involving him. Friday night Anthony and I took a drive to Cairns and had dinner. We then walked the marina and esplanade talking all night, cracking smart ass jokes, flirting. It was strange but I found it somewhat arrousing. I would of loved to have gotten a hotel room out and just banged him for hours and woke up feeling funny. How time changes everything!

Saturday I hung out with Lisa. Then I was home by myself last night and decided I'd see Louis. As soon as he got over everything he did pissed me off. I'm a horrible person, I couldn't keep pretending that I felt the same as him and we were on the same page. So I took him for a drive and told him everything. I feel awful, but I couldn't lead him on anymore. I don't know what we are now but hopefully it's not on the path to marriage and kids.

Now I all I want to do, is live.

I found some stuff I'd written so I'm going to post them and leave my weird love triangle for now. Enjoy...



~~~
I thought I’d celebrate today
Relish the cold and eagerly tip my hat to the sky
See it’s all in shades of grey
I never felt it was easier in black and white
The path that I’m aware of, is mine
But how I got here and where I’m going is
On the most part, a withering divide
Won’t someone just show me how

There is a bench in your honour
Around the bend, not far from here
Shall I show you, could you make it
I know it’s cold but it’s the last day of the year
~~~

Given the years and days it’s been since I saw you last, I can’t believe where we’ve been, where we’re going and how things have changed so fast. I must admit if you had told me then, I wouldn’t have believed and come to terms with the way it’s all happened. But life has its moments, whether they’re up or down, despite the one thing I was sure of; after all this time, had kept my feet to the ground. Something inside me changed when you were brought in to my life, without even knowing if it was for good, bad, wrong or right. I could never predict what would become of us, I let my life happen and to God I would trust. “Things happen for a reason” something inside me yelled and eventually my faith was answered and in your arms I was held. Nothing could prepare me to fall for you like that, even after all this time I still cry when I’m looking back.

So say this time, this day, you won’t forget it.
I’ve been there and back and nothing can compare.
After all these years, I’m still your lady.
Never forget, never forget it.

There are often struggles that every man or women will face; it’s how you go about your troubles that ideally will lead you to a stronger place. I don’t regret what I’ve done and the things that I have said, I’ve let the past be the past and try to move forward instead. It’s not to say you still don’t have a place in my heart, because personally, internally, we will never be apart. I know we can’t see each other or even be friends, but every night I go to sleep, I dream we are the way we always were and somehow it works for me just to pretend. Because unfortunately dreaming every night is all I can do, like Aviation said, you were my everything and I really miss you.