Answers.

I need an outlet, afterall isn't this the point of having my own blog?

I don't know where to start. I've walked around in a haze all day, wondering, analysing, concerning and it has not only enlarged my mind to the point where I'm ready to have an emotional breakdown, but I am exhausted and still with no answers.

Tell me why Anthony and I have been broken up for three months now and not once has he told me he's missed me? Tell me why he acts like me being with someone else doesn't bother him but tells his sister he's really upset I've moved on? Tell me why when I get that guy out of my life, does he go back to barely talking to me? And please, tell me why we hung out Friday night and had an amazing time and we're not getting any closer to being back together?

I thought I was moving on, I thought I had something good going with Louis. But Anthony got in the way and tricked me back into his life and tricked me back into thinking there was a future between us. He fucks with my head and I can't handle it. Not only can I not handle my confusion as to how I feel about Anthony, but I dream about Luke five nights out of seven and it plays with my emotions. Night time, I am back with the person I believed was my soul mate. A person who has found his soul mate, whom he's having a baby with. I'm not in grade eight anymore, relationships don't spring back to life after you've made them jealous and ignored them for a couple of months. This is the real word, this is life, this is it, grown up, old, moving on, realistic relationships that end and stay that way.

How can Anthony act like he doesn't care, like he doesn't see how much he can hurt me? I ended things with Louis because it upset him. The last thing I ever want to do is upset him and all he has ever seemed to do is upset me, time after time. And people fucking tell me and predict it and I defend him and stick up for him. When will I learn! When will I not let him get the best of me, every time. This is why I didn't want something with Louis, so I wouldn't end up here down the track writing a blog about Louis instead of Anthony.

Heartbreak is stupid. Love is void.
I don't deserve it, or I'm not equipped to keep something I cherish. I've lost every single person that I've cared for intimately. I don't know where they go, but they're not here with me. They're in a cemetery of past prospects. The fleeting lovers gone by.

Someone save me from being this pathetic. I had it all worked out, I was strong, independent and loathing love and couples and anything as icky. I was confident in myself and happy for who I was. Now I just wonder what it is that people run away from? Am I so disfigured that people just cannot stand to love me unconditionally forever?

All I ask, is for answers.