Why?

I literally just took a deep breath.

I am confused and unaware of who to turn to and talk to about the things that constantly clog up my mental highway.

I noticed after I began this blog, my relationship that seemed too good to be true seemed to spiral emotionally downward. I had something to write about. I had my muse. When I first met Anthony (as I have stated before in past blogs) I always thought there was something different about him. I feel stupid that something I believed in so strongly failed me miserably. I literally walked around every day thinking we were the luckiest two people on the planet. We used to be so fantastic and after what we've been through in the last few months, I struggle to even remember how those happy times used to feel. All I see in our memories are fights and tears. I hate that some of the best moments in my life have been erased by the tragedy that fell upon us. We both never wanted it, we both had no control over what happened. I don't blame him, I really don't, and I can't blame myself because I tried black and blue. Perhaps the things that occured in our lives were never my decision but something greater, something I cannot control nor understand. "Everything happens for a reason", yes I'm sure. But I just need the reason, I can't go on wondering why?

Why did we not work?
We had it all. I just cannot comprehend it.

I read my horoscopes today and most of them stated I needed to let go of the past and move on. I do plan on not speaking to Anthony unless he talks to me, but really, I never wanted to let go of the hope that he really was "the one". Can a couple who have been through a lot, come back together one day and live happily ever after? Is it possible that he could still be the guy I have always dreamt of? Do I just give it time?

I know it is severely cliche' but if you love someone you should let them go, and that is exactly what I'm doing. I do love him and I am letting him go.

I also know that in (given my frame of mind), three months from now I will most likely look back on the numerous posts about Anthony and feel embarrassed I felt this way because by then I will be thinking clearly, over him and ready for something new. So that's what I am going to strive to do. Give myself three months of not initiating any contact and see what unfolds during and after such time.

He spoke to me just before as I was in the middle of this blog and as the waterworks had begun to fall. We had a funny, simple conversation that put my tears and fears to rest. I don't know how he still wants to be my friend after everything? I don't understand how he can be ok talking to me? He is either really over it and it doesn't bother him just being my friend, or he isn't over it at all. So if it was the latter, why would he tell me he didn't want to be in a relationship with me? I've told him that before and never meant it. Does he?

Say what you mean, mean what you say. No one ever does it.

I'd be a hypocrite to be mad at him for playing games. If I really thought long and hard and listened to my intuition that seems to never fail me (as much as I don't listen to it), I believe he still loves me. I believe he is playing games, unintentionally perhaps but games nonetheless. He wouldn't still talk to me if he didn't care. But I could be a looney.

I just think too much. If I didn't, I wouldn't endure half the emotional rollercoasters I've subscribed myself annual passes to.

I just want answers and I'm imaptient.
Would someone please just give me a fucking answer!