I'm embarrassed.

I am.

I am embarrassed that nearly every post in this blog is about my relationship, or what used to be a relationship, with Anthony.

When did I let this one person rule my life to the point where I can no longer remember my own face in the mirror?

In the last couple of posts I have let myself be cool with the situation. I have portrayed like I'm alright and everything will be ok. It's not ok. I've been lying to myself and I've been lying to Anthony just to save face. Love isn't a game to me. I know when I want something, I have to have it. I know when I love someone, I will do all in my power to cherish that love and not let it go without a fight. So I went on a date the other night, big deal. I didn't even kiss the guy because I was thinking about Anthony the entire time. I was wondering whether I should move on, or whether I should keep hoping one day he'll figure out his mistake and be with me again.

I confronted him, maybe the confusion and being so uncertain all the time was getting to me. I asked him if he wanted me to move on, for a good fifteen minutes he didn't want to tell me. Then finally he said he doesn't know what he wants, that maybe in six months to a year he could want to be with me again. He just didn't know. He said it was mean for him to expect me to wait so he told me, yes, move on.

What an idiot.

He'll be crying to have me back by the time I do move on. And you know what, I will laugh and laugh and laugh.

I'm pissed off I let my "tough guy" act down. I don't want to be his friend anymore either. He just doesn't deserve me. You know if you love someone, you don't lose it or let it go for someone else to snatch up and take. What is wrong with him? What is wrong with me?

Again, I am embarrassed and pissed off that I can't talk/think/write about anything else but him. I have so much on my plate at the moment. I am going to be a manager and I need to focus and have support, I feel anguish toward Anthony for not being a stable part of my life, for not being my best friend. My head hurts. At least I have a day off tomorrow so I can relax and catch up on some rest. I'm so tired and stressed out. It's my birthday soon and knowing that I won't have a doting, spoiling boyfriend to make it special for me makes me sad that I live so far away from my friends and people who make me happy.

I really don't know how I became so unlucky in love.
I really can't count the times I've been in this position.