Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go.

Yesterday I was mellow, due to my "first love" becoming a father with someone else. It was finally the sign I had been waiting for, from God, from fate; just to show me that there was no future with this ex of mine.

You always have a choice. I was confronted during my current relationship by Luke to move in with him, and on another occasion he rang me in a drunken state to confess he still had feelings for me. By this stage I had been with Anthony for five months. I chose Anthony, not just because I was with him already, but because of our future prospects together. Ever since I met Anthony I've had some strange feeling burning inside that I've never been able to explain, and that to me is how I "just know" he is the one I want to be with. I know it will take me months, possibly years to get over my ex once and for all, but in my head I am over him. In my heart, the places he carved open will need time to heal. I know that everything happens for a reason.

I've always been a very sentimental and emotional person. Perhaps these traits have confused me throughout life, but now I know that this one particular chapter in my life that I've struggled to keep open; is finally closed.

In saying this, I would like to think I could move forward with Anthony to a new level. Despite our arguments in the past, I beleive our relationship is rare and we're both considerably lucky to have each other. We've had our share of ups and downs and I feel sticking around to work through them, means more to me than any other action involved in a partnership. But unfortunately I'm not sure where Anthony wants us to go. We talked last night in bed and he mentioned words, "unsure sometimes". This tore straight across my chest, circled throughout my mind and left a stain of disappointment on every limb. I've never been unsure of Anthony. I've given all I have to this relationship. Out of six serious relationships, he is the second guy I've been with longer than six months. I don't just stick around for anybody. I feel disheartened he feels doubtful as I've forseen our future path clear and bright from the moment we met. I told him I couldn't trust him with my heart and that he didn't deserve my serious feelings for him. He was quite upset. But how much more vulnerable can I be? I can't be confident with him if he doesn't quite feel up to par.

I wrote him a rather large e-mail letting my feelings pour out. I hope he reads it and understands how I feel. I don't want to break up with him, but I somehow feel he has been downgraded to "just a guy I'm dating", rather than this amazing person who came into my life and made me feel complete with the world.

Perhaps I take it too seriously. We've only been together ten days short of nine months. Am I wanting everything too fast, too soon?

Ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted to find the love of my life, settle down and be with them forever. Through some horrible/enjoyable experiences I began to question my search. It was only until I stopped searching did Anthony appear, as if out of nowhere and on to my doorstep. I play for keeps now but I wonder about my sanity. I'm probably moving too fast. I should slow down and enjoy every moment of our growing partnership.

But I'm impatient and want want want. I'm spoilt.
I'm just head over heels and want "the magic" every day that I have felt for the past nine months. I'm on fire. I'm electrified. I'm stupid, eratic.

I think, I'm in love.